Work while you work; play while you play.

That is the way to be cheerful all day.

All that you do, do with your might.

Things done by halves are never done right.

One thing each time and that done well,

is a very good rule as many can tell.

Moments are useless trifled away; so

work while you work and play while you play.

            ~M.A. Stodart

Why expect so much from students?

Why apply more stress to already stressed out kids?

I’ve been an educator since the late 70’s and have witnessed a slow but steady decline since then in what is expected from students.  At the same time I have discovered that often the most stressed out kids are actually those who lack the ability to apply themselves wholeheartedly to anything but entertainment.  These are the kids that want to both play while they play and play while they “work”.

While today’s educational culture supports the ideal of a strong work ethic, this ideal can merely be a stated aim but not necessarily one that is carried out.  To walk it out can at times feel like swimming upstream against the current.

It’s hard work to expect kids to work hard!

The fourth commandment to “observe the Sabbath day and keep it holy”  is followed by the often omitted words “six days you shall labor and do all your work.”  Laziness is so easily confused with peace.  Yet kids won’t find freedom from stress  if they aren’t struggling to work as well. WIthout experiencing toil and labor, true rest is illusive.

I am reminded of the words of a private school administrator, who a few years ago had grown disillusioned with the outcomes he was seeing in education.  “I am deeply disappointed in our seniors,” he lamented “instead of the virtuous, knowledgeable men and women  that I had envisioned them becoming, they are weak spirited and self seeking.”

My experience has fortunately been different.

This past week, I had the privilege of watching our seniors present their thesis, each speaking on a current issue they are passionate about.  I was touched the poise they demonstrated as they stood up in front of a crowd and gave a  20-minute fully memorized presentation, followed by 20 minutes of difficult questioning by a knowledgeable panel in their field of study.  Clearly they had put in hours of hard work to get to this point. Some were students who just a few years ago would have left our school rather than participate in the senior thesis.  Others could not imagine successfully completing the task without falling apart. Instead they stood one by one:  professional, calm, convincing.  They were prepared.  They had done their work.  They were ready.

What blessed me even more was watching what occurred prior to each presentation; with hands joined together the students would circle around the next speaker and pray in unison for him or her.  Our seniors have learned to work together, weep together, laugh together, pray together, play together.  I asked one girl how she steadied herself after a brief period of faltering in the middle of her presentation.  She explained how she felt God strengthen her as she silently remembered the prayers of her friends.

Having worked with many of these students for many years, I am pleased with who they are becoming.  They are growing confident in their skills and abilities; they are growing secure in their individual identities in Christ. They know how to work hard and to play hard. This is the legacy they leave behind and that will propel them successfully forward into the world beyond high school.

They are the 2013 class of Veritas Academy and we proudly send them out!

For more on this topic listen to the podcast “Heartily: Christ Centered Work” by Peter Dusan

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

We have a new granddaughter  - Alma Lynn Dusan.

She joins an active bunch of cousins and siblings – the 4th under the age of two.   The name Alma is of Spanish origin meaning “soul.”  It is also of Latin origin, where it means “nourishing.”  Alma is soul-nourishment, born less than a year after a very parched season for Peter and Alisa.

Less than a year ago, Peter and Alisa tearfully knelt before God one evening at church  to abandon their dreams of more children – to surrender their lives to God regardless of what would or would not happen.  After trying to get pregnant  for months while friends and sisters got pregnant with ease;  after  learning of their diagnosis of infertility –  that even Hadassah had been a miracle conception;  after experiencing an adoption-about-to-happen-only to-suddenly-end;  they had grown weary from disappointment.  Worn out and feeling rather hopeless, they purposed to grow content with what they had and who they were come what may.  They chose sweet surrender – to live not with longing eyes upon what they did not have or with discouragement over who they were – an infertile couple with a desire to have a large family-  but in sincerity of faith choosing to believe that God in His loving kindness would care for them and meet their heart needs according to His abundant  love.

They chose to accept what was NOT so that they could be grateful for what was and would be – finding OKness EVEN IF Hadassah would remain their only child.  No more what ifs.  No more if onlys.   It was now EVEN IF.

Two days later, the phone call came – news of a baby boy that could be theirs if they wanted.   There was a catch though-  the tiny infant was in NICU with a serious medical condition.  The stay could be long.  The cost high.  No guarantees.  Except he could be theirs if they simply said “yes.”

And that is what they heard God tell them to do  - Say YES.  EVEN IF.

 This little boy is Asa today- smiling, content, healthy, happy Asa.   Yesterday at less than a year old, and still very tiny in size, he became a  big brother. It’s amazing what can happen in just one year!

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  Philippians 4:11

“But the value of gratitude does not consist solely in getting you more blessings in the future. Without gratitude you cannot long keep from dissatisfied thought regarding things as they are.” — Wallace Wattles

 “Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.” –Sarah Ban Breathnach

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Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Ecclesiastes 9:10

Continued from last week—-

Kids won’t just work for work’s sake and neither should we.  They need to understand WHY diligent effort is important and WHY they should apply themselves with all their might?

They need to know that God uses the discipline of work to forge their character.

It’s  “full throttle” effort – doing it with all one’s might -  that turns something boring into something fulfilling.  Only when a child begins to experience the growth within that diligent effort causes, will he begin to actually enjoy work.   On the contrary, he will find no joy in laziness, a state of mind that grows more entrenched and pervasive over time impacting everything and every relationship. He will try though because the idea of work is rarely enticing at the start. The idea of laziness is enticing however.

Kids definitely do need times when they are free to do whatever they want to do. They need to feel both the weight of responsibility and the joy of freedom from responsibility. Today’s culture has shifted, perhaps too far, to a belief that kids need more free time and less responsibility than in earlier generations.  Many kids are allowed to avoid work and thus fail to gain the confidence and character qualities  that come from consistent, diligent effort. According to Amelia Hill, correspondent for the Observer, parents who don’t give their kids chores at home may be slowing their development – especially their character development – because a lack of chores makes children less responsible.  Following is an excerpt from her research:

Children should be given chores to help them develop a caring attitude and keep them grounded, according to a survey that found parents are now reluctant to ask children to do household tasks.

A study of the articles, advice and letters published in more than 300 parenting magazines between 1920 and 2006 has found that most modern-day children are only asked to take on trivial responsibilities, such as feeding a pet, clearing the table after dinner or tidying up after themselves.

“In earlier generations, children and adolescents were given meaningful opportunities to be responsible by contributing not only to their households but also to their larger communities,” said Markella Rutherford, assistant professor of sociology at Wellesley College in Massachusetts.  “This was seen as especially important for adolescents,” she said. “Until very recently, greater autonomy and responsibility were emphasized as antidotes to teenage listlessness and rebellion.”

Homework is the only real responsibility given many children today and even it is under assault.

So how can we get our kids to gain a diligent work ethic and good work habits?   And how much is too much? I am not advocating excessive work but at the very least, kids of all ages need daily opportunities to learn and to grow and to be diligent – and with increasing measure as they age.

William, my grandson is almost two and his behavior has turned very “two-ish” with  responses of  “NO” and “MINE” to most everything.  Yet, when I allow him to help me, whether it it emptying the dishwasher or making cookies, he is content and happy- and very cooperative.  It would be easier to do these tasks without his “help” but I love the fact that already,  he wants to work- to contribute- and he is  proud of himself when he does. But he will need increased responsibility as he grows in order to stay engaged. He will need a reason for why he is learning to stir the batter and crack the eggs – that someday he will be able to produce “poopies”( his pronunciation of cookies) on his own.  So I need to help Will emerge from “helping” me make cookies – to doing part of the tasks independently – to actually making them on his own.  Work, for both adult and child, needs vision because without vision it becomes boring. With persistent efforts to improve his skills and expertise, perhaps William will someday become a world class “poopie” baker.  He certainly has a passion for eating them.

Today I want to share two websites that give helpful suggestions in how to grow a work ethic in kids:

• For a Love & Logic approach read: Struggling with getting kids to do chores?
• For getting kids to do their homework, check out Empowering Parents:  Getting kids to do their school work well.

Finally, I found the information in an Angela Duckworth, Ph.D You Tube video (listed below) to be very fascinating and well (very well) worth watching. 

She refers to a quality she calls “grit” which she considers to be the most common quality among individuals who have grown to achieve world class status in their endeavors .  Grit is defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Grit is really the willingness to stick to something in the face of obstacles and challenges- to keep on keeping on.  Researchers are finding that those who consider themselves naturally talented struggle to become “gritty” – perhaps because they have fallen for the false notion that their natural giftedness allows for “effortless perfection.”  I see this idea in a number of  students today who fail to grasp that “greatness” in anything requires sustained effort on their part over time.

Angela Duckworth, Ph.D -  True Grit: Can Perseverance be taught?  (18 minutes long and well worth the time – Middle and high school students would benefit from hearing this as well)

Pr.13:4
The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. (NIV)

Pr.15:19
The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway. (NIV)

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Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor,

serving the Lord.   Romans 12:11

Kids come into the world with a unique combination of strengths and weaknesses, yet all kids need to develop key character qualities as they mature. Erin MacPherson classifies these character qualities as “the fifteen factors”  in her latest Christian Mama’s Guide to the First Years of School. Today I want to address one of these factors, a strong work ethic, which in and of itself will forge the development of many of the other factors such as resiliency, responsibility, focus, self motivation, to name a few.   Erin knows firsthand the value of hard work; it defines who she is.  Erin is my oldest daughter and she began life in full throttle from the day she was born.

Erin does nothing half way – or slowly. 

She learned to run before she could walk by applying Newtonian mechanics – the laws of momentum -  to this endeavor. She discovered that if she focused on speed, she could make it to the next piece of furniture before her  lack of balance caused her to tumble.  (Any scientist reading this is probably cringing right now!) In middle school she organized a project with the intention of providing coats to one needy family.  Instead her project turned into a school wide event with truck loads of donations for numerous families.  She finds satisfaction in producing, creating, in being industrious, and in helping others!  She is the first to volunteer in the church nursery; the first to make a meal for a family in need;  the first to organize an event; the first to say “let’s get this done!”

When Erin was a child, I found it exasperating, at times, to deal with her  full-throttle approach to life.  There’s a weak side to this strength:  acting without thinking,  stubborn determination to have her way,  taking on too much, impatience leading to emotional outbursts.  As she got older,  I  began to see the fruit of her full throttleness however. I have always desired to write a book.  She, as a young mom, has already authored four, contributed to several others and in addition ghost writes for others.  She reminds me  that “later” usually  becomes “never.”  Erin prefers the pain of discipline over the pain of regret and while her goals are not easy to accomplish, they wind up being worth it in the end. Just this week she had the privilege of being interviewed by Dr. Dobson. (He happened to be our go to-parenting-expert in raising our three kids.)  Her daughter, Kate,  got to watch the interviews which will be aired later this spring on his radio program. Kate is learning first hand about work ethic by watching her mommy!

Erin’s success in writing has not come without hard work however. 

Today she writes almost effortlessly, but I know first hand, the endless hours she invested into writing as a student.  I know that she worked diligently to perfect her skills and as an adult found opportunities to adapt them to the internet world.  She continues to grow her abilities as an online editor today.  Knowing how difficult it is to get a book deal, she helps other writers find their way as well. Even with strong skills in place, writing books remains a very difficult endeavor, especially as a mother of three active young children.  It’s her work ethic that pulls her through the challenging times.

In contrast, I see a generation of kids today who believe that they can obtain success in ease,  accomplish great things with little effort; reach their dreams with minimal sweat equity of their own.  They expect success and feel entitled to it,  regardless of what they put into the process.  Studies report that American students are obtaining higher and higher GPAs while putting in increasingly fewer hours of homework.  A recent study found that most honors classes are honors in name only (a mere 18%) without the rigor necessary to gain mastery at a true honors level.    The results of the most recent international testing reflects the work ethic of US students as a whole;  our students no longer compare favorably with other top-tier nations.

When work ethic is devalued, so is the opportunity to grow character.

When success comes with ease,  it is often accompanied with a weak  disposition.  When “greatness”  is easily obtained, lost are the lessons that come by way of challenge.  Mastering challenges leads to confidence, resiliency, and courage.  Many young people prefer pretense however finding victory and “greatness”  in the virtual world rather than the real world and/or cheating and plagiarizing to maintain an image of success.  Short cuts rarely lead to true success however.  “He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty.“  Proverbs 28:19

To give partial effort is no part of God’s design. We get out of what we do as much as we are willing to put into it.   Half-hearted effort establishes lazy habits,  which bring on drudgery and eventually any desire to be industrious goes away.  “Later” becomes “never” because doors close and opportunities pass by.  “When opportunity knocks – it’s too late to prepare.” (Coach John Wooden)

Today, I am grateful for a daughter who has chosen the path of hard work, applying a full throttle to her endeavors and plans that God has in mind for her and her family.

Next week:  what parents can do to instill a work ethic in their children!

Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.  Horace

We must dare to be great; and we must realize that greatness is the fruit of toil and sacrifice and high courage. Theodore Roosevelt

“Tears will get you sympathy, sweat will get you results.”  Anonymous

 

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:15

I have become  a “two-list-a-day” person and it’s restoring peace and margin in my life!

My quiet times in the morning had  become disjointed.  I found myself unable to focus on what I was reading and I found it difficult to pray. Instead, thoughts about the day – issues, concerns, and my to-do-list – commanded my attention.  I reasoned these distractions as immediate tasks in order to unclutter my thoughts. So  I would send a quick text, read an important email, add an appointment to my calendar, a item to my reminders .  My quiet times had become anything but quiet and not because of noise in the room; I lacked stillness within. Then I made my quiet time “technology free” and sweetness has since then returned to the start of my days.

For me, it’s a mistake to take in and respond to all the information coming at me. 

I’ve tried to keep up the pace but then I find myself up late at night tying up loose threads and getting up early to answer all the emails.  It leaves me scattered and exhausted and wholly frustrated- off track. While there is a valuable place for all this technology in my life, I must have self imposed limits consistently in place or the most important things are consistently squeezed out.  I must have a YES list but also a NO list.  I must learn to say “NO” everyday to the distractions in my life.  NO, I am not going to immediately check each text that comes in. Do I really have to know this next bit of information?  NO, I am not going to respond quickly to every email.  NO, I am not going to google for one more piece of information.  NO, I am not going to take that phone call.  NO, I am not going to allow distraction into my quiet time with Jesus.

I recently read an article from the Harvard Business Review call “Two Lists You Should Look at Every Morning” by Peter Bregman.  It really got me thinking about this two-list idea which he named a focus list – what I am trying to achieve & what’s important to me, and an ignore list- the distractions, what get’s in the way.  The author wrote, “to succeed in using your time wisely, you have to ask the equally important but often avoided complementary question: what are you willing not to achieve?“  This two list approach helps me appropriate my time around those things that matter most as well as identify what prevents them from happening. Given with how easily I can get distracted,  I find this second list to be as important as the first.  It forces me to consider what I need to say “NO” to.

Now my daily lists are now built in this way:

1. I start by spending time with Jesus. Regardless of how much (or little) time I have,  each day must be ordered and inspired by Him. Without a time of praising Jesus and taking in spiritual nourishment, my day can quickly disintegrate in some form or fashion.
2. Then I  examine my own heart in order to hear what the Lord is asking of me for the day. Is there someone I need to apologize to?  Someone I need to forgive?  Reach out to?  Serve?  Before the day can be snatched from me, I want to know what the Lord is asking of me.  If I don’t listen, I won’t hear and if I don’t hear how can I walk in obedience to His voice?
3. Then I pray for others. For reasons beyond my comprehension, God works miracles through the intercessory prayers of His people but the work of prayer is difficult to accomplish in the midst of distraction.
4. Next I write down the necessary to-dos followed by the want-tos.  (This list used to be my first task each morning but then I found that my own planning took precedence over Jesus)
   
5. Finally I add in margin.  Yes, margin.  And I obtain margin by writing my ignore list – those things I won’t do or respond to.  Without margin, I lack the ability to respond warmly to others.  Instead people become an inconvenience to my “so-very-important” task list. Without margin I become impatient and hurried. Without margin, I fail to be responsive and kind to my husband. Without margin I  fail to hear what my grandchildren are trying to say and I fail to respond to them in wise, loving ways. My days are peppered with interruptions by soon-to-be- 9 grandchildren who live nearby. I want time for these sweet interruptions.  I want them on my focus list but in order to do so I must have a NO list.

All too often the earthly obscures the heavenly; the demands of the day shove aside the essential and human voices drown out the voice of God.  Because of our great technological advancements, human voices now come at us rapidly from all directions crowding out solitude.  “Only in solitude can you being to sift away the chaff and come at last to the golden grains of truth.  The world will confuse you. Silence will speak to you more in a day than the world of voices can teach you in a lifetime.  Find silence.  Find solitude and having discovered her riches, bind them to your heart.  (Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts)

 It’s not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?
Henry David Thoreau

Jesus took a human body to save our bodies. And he took a human mind to save our minds. Without becoming man in his emotions, he could not have saved our emotions. And without taking a human will, he could not save our will. In the words of Gregory of Nazianzus, “That which he has not assumed he has not healed.” He became man in full so that he might save us in full. Hallelujah! What a marvelous Savior!

John Piper

Throughout the Gospels, Jesus demonstrates human emotions, but nowhere are His emotions so deeply passionate as in the garden of Gethsemane.  Luke recorded in 22:44 that in anguish Jesus prayed more earnestly and His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.   It’s impossible to imagine the torment He must have felt in the garden!

Jesus discloses what it means to be fully human and made in the image of God.  John Calvin stated that “Christ has put on our feelings along with our flesh.”  As  we seek to be like Him , we tend to look past His emotions however, which without distortion reflect the image of God.  If we compare our own emotional lives to His, we clearly recognize our own need of a transformation.

What if Jesus had responded merely to His emotions  in the garden of Gethsemane? 

He certainly felt alone – and betrayed.  He faced not only a torturous physical death but also spiritual separation from His Father.  He wanted the cup removed and prayed to that end.  But deeper still, His heart burned for us with compassion. Regardless of  the anguish He felt,  Jesus brought His emotions in line with the will of His Father in Heaven.  “Father if you are willing, remove this cup from me.  Nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)

What is the application in all this?  Oswald Chambers wrote:

“Much of the distress we experience as Christians comes not as the result of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature.  For instance, the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be.  Think it through to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something that God would condemn, put a stop to it immediately. But if it is an emotion that has been kindled by the Spirit of God and you don’t allow it to have its way in your life, it will cause a reaction on a lower level than God intended….If the Spirit of god has stirred you, make as many of your decisions as possible irrevocable, and let the consequences be what they will.”

Two sets of priorities were in play as Jesus prayed in the garden that night.  These priorities reveal the contrast between imperfect men and our perfect  Savior, who chose the will of His Father over the pull of human emotion.  How vastly different would our lives be if we regularly responded to our emotions by examining what the final outcome would be and then halting any emotion that stood in the way of God’s will.

May we all learn to see beyond our emotions and make our decisions on the greater vision God has for us.

Happy Resurrection Day!!

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 

Matthew 6:14

Continued from last week….

Do you find yourself over identifying with your child’s hurt feelings?  It’s easy to do! Regardless of how they feel- and how you feel about how they feel – they must learn to let go of offense. Don’t mistake unforgiveness – or forgiveness -  as an emotion however. Both are chosen actions that move one’s mind and soul in decidedly direct directions, causing contrasting emotions.  Holding on to offenses ladens a heart with such emotions as anger, rage, bitterness, resentment, and irritation. Letting go of offenses on the other hand, results in a light heart. It’s the “ultimate weight loss” (according to Beth Moore in Praying God’s Word) allowing room for emotions such as empathy, patience, joy and PEACE!

Plant “forgiveness seeds” early for your kids and water them regularly both by extending forgiveness to them and guiding them to forgive others.  Otherwise the “weeds of offense” will take root and sprout self-focused responses that become harder and harder to break. Your children will not naturally choose to forgive unconditionally.  Rather their human nature, as well as the narcissistic culture they are surrounded by, will nurture the growth of selfish attitudes and habits.  Therefore, among the highest of priorities, parents must purpose to model and teach forgiveness to their children, at an early age.

We are literally obligated as God’s children to extend to others His unlimited capacity to forgive.  His standard towards us mandates nothing less!  To quote Lehman Strauss, Bible teacher and writer, “we cannot be right with God when we are wrong with others.”

How do we teach our children to forgive?

1. 1. First- forgive them.  Don’t withhold affection and warmth when they disappoint you.  Disapproving of their actions can be done without disapproving of them.
   2. When your kids mess up,  see these times as opportunities not only to hold them to high behavioral standards but in the process, hold them to the highest virtues of forgiveness as well.
   3. Don’t respond out of anger, which does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:20) A heart that forgives won’t remain angry.  A forgiving parent will be more likely to learn of a child’s fears and concerns. Harsh condemnation on the other hand will discourage honest sharing of mistakes and problems, motivating a child to lie in order to avoid your anger.
   4. Remind yourself to first forgive them of their action and then calmly handle the situation, disciplining your children out of loving compassion and not out of frustration.
   5. Extend continual forgiveness to your spouse which can become the hardest forgiveness to grant.  But we cannot teach what we do not possess.  We can pretend but kids quickly pick up on the hypocrisy. Actions speak louder than words!
   6. Discuss the principles of forgiveness regularly.  When a child sulks over some wrong doing, real or imagined, acknowledge the feeling but point out that forgiveness is still the choice they can and must make.  Otherwise in their attempt to punish the wrong doer, they are really punishing themselves.
   7. Teach them that to repent means to reverse directions. It includes an inward change of attitude and an outward change of action.
   8. Don’t rush your children to say “I am sorry” or “I forgive you” before they truly mean it from the heart.  At a young age, they learn how to behave “christian-ly” and will settle for what looks good because it temporarily serves them well.  Genuine growth will not occur unless these words flow from a sincere and repentant heart.
   9. Be careful what you speak about in the presence of your kids.  At times, in order to gain wise counsel from a trusted friend or family member, we may need to talk through a wrong suffered. Kids listen (often when you think they are not) and learn from how you speak to others however. Jesus said, “and I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak.” (Matthew 12:36)  Are we not doubly accountable when our idle words fall on young ears who are learning from us!

“Forgiveness is our deepest need and our highest achievement.”

Horace Bushnell –( minister and theologian in the 1800’s)

Our highest need!

Not only do we want to be forgiven, we need it! Without genuine forgiveness there can be no security in our relationships. I can safely draw near to God because I know that His forgiveness is unconditional towards me, a blessing I am profoundly grateful for!

Forgiveness is also our highest achievement!

“Forgiveness, of course is the virtue we most enjoy, and least employ, in our Christian experience. We all love to be forgiven – we expect it, and want it. But we find it a struggle to forgive; we resist it and refuse oftentimes to do it.” (pastor Ray Stedman) Our human nature would rather hold on to offense, rehearsing it to ourselves and sharing it with others.  Finding comfort in self pity is deceptively satisfying at first,  but self-pity is really self-centeredness in its most dangerous form because it distorts one’s vision about everything and everyone.

Beth Moore in Praying God’s Word defines forgiveness as “our determined and deliberate willingness to let something go – not haphazardly into the black hole of nonexistence but letting it go to God. Letting it go from our power to His. Forgiveness is the ongoing act by which we agree with God over the matter, practice the mercy He’s extended to us, and surrender the situation, the repercussions, and the hurtful person to Him.”

Has anyone ever offended you before? Of course the answer is YES! And if one’s vision is at all distorted by self pity, offense is quite easy to find, often right within the walls of one’s own home. But it’s an addictive and dangerous path that can alter the lives of each and every family member.  Unforgiveness has a faithful twin named bitterness which “is  like a rock thrown into a placid pond; after its initial splash, it sends out concentric circles that disturb the whole pond. It starts with ourselves, expands to our spouse, then to our children, friends and colleagues.” (Dr. Chuck Lynch in I should Forgive, but….)

We all know families that are broken because of offenses that remain unforgiven; Brothers and sisters who refuse to speak to each other; children who leave home deeply resenting their parents; parents who rail against their children who have disappointed them; husbands and wives who harbor such bitterness that eventually their covenant of marriage is dissolved. One of my siblings early on  chose the path of self pity. It started out with a need to regularly find a way to feel offended at someone – a seemingly addictive need to blame another for her own dissatisfactions. Now in her fifties, she refuses to speak to any of her siblings. She has left her marriage and is no longer in a relationship with her adult children either. Self pity has deeply distorted her view on reality leading her to believe that everyone else has the problem and not her. I pity her. I try to reach out but she seems out of reach.  She has placed herself into  ” jail to be tortured” which is where each of us will wind up unless we forgive our brother and sister from our hearts. (Matthew 18:34-35)

If our homes are to be a place of rest and shelter, it begins with what is taking place within our hearts.  If anger and unforgiveness are allowed to reside, they will result in  bitter attitudes towards one another that have a caustic effect on each family member. We must intentionally and purposefully model forgiveness and teach the principles of forgiveness early on to our children.

….. to be continued in the next blog.

The practice of patience toward one another, the overlooking of one another’s defects, and the bearing of one another’s burdens is the most elementary condition of all human and social activity in the family, in the professions, and in society.“

Lawrence Lovesik, Catholic Priest

“….with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Ephesians 4: 2-3

We all appreciate being treated patiently. Patience- or long-suffering- is not only a fruit of the spirit but  a developed virtue – actually one of amazing strength.  It allows one to see past emotions that can blind. It’s is a matter of the heart that renders one unable to accuse nor find room for offense. Patience brings about gentleness and kindness and prevents many sorrows. Certainly “a lack of patience in small matters can create havoc in great ones” (Chinese Proverb).

The opposite of being patient is to be frustrated or agitated.  Impatient.  It’s a form of subtle anger.  We all know the feeling, which rises up with little warning, and can quickly morph into fits of anger and harshness.

I used to assume that each person was born either a patient or a not-so-patient person. I considered myself in the later camp and thus avoided feeling wholly responsible for my impatient actions. However, the Bible teaches that patience – or impatience – is far more than merely a personality trait.  My level of patience, in fact,  says a great deal about me.  I cannot acquire biblical patience on my own, yet am responsible to become a patient person.  I must receive it from the Holy Spirit to replace what my flesh naturally produces:  impatience.

I have quit assuming I have learned the lessons of patience.  Rather it’s a lifelong pursuit and one that I am currently getting plenty of opportunities to practice.   I spend time each month in very different “worlds” – that of my 85 year old mom & autistic, disabled brother, and that of my school & home which regularly  includes my young grandchildren.

While these “worlds”  are very different, they each require a steady stream of PATIENT, active attention to the needs of others.

I think back to this past week with my mom.

At times, I found my patience growing thin at having to repeatedly say the same things  – of being asked the same questions over and over – of devoting significant time to helping her find misplaced items.  Just like with my grand kids! Just now, as I write this blog, my sweet mother  has called to ask the very questions that had already been answered over and over during my recent visit – once again it’s patient attentiveness that she needs from me, despite how I feel about the  interruption to my schedule!

One day last week, a glass slipped from her arthritic hands and shattered in the kitchen sink.  I watch in dismay as tiny pieces of glass filled the plastic lip lining the entrance to the garbage disposal.  Just like a child, she drew back, embarrassed and somewhat anxious over the mess she had created. Reluctantly I put down the work I was engrossed in and began the task of picking out glass pieces that had fallen into the sink and disposal (which was also full of smelly food).   I  managed to patiently clean up the mess  and as a result mom regained her equilibrium.  Just like my grand kids, she desires to be independent – yet she clearly needs help and support to navigate her life.

The seasons of life are so very short.  Infants soon become school age children who before your eyes become teens and go off to college- who suddenly enter into careers/ get married – then have their own kids.  Through all the rapidly passing cycles of life, we are walking out ministry, called to serve each other patiently and faithfully.  Whatever our calling or the cycle of life we are in – it will require patience and attentiveness to others.

I think a great deal about my mom in this final season of her life.  I wonder how my strong spirited and rather impatient mother (I come by this naturally) has become so joyful and patient at 85.  Her life has not been easy – she is still saddled with the pressures of motherhood even as a widow,  having to care for her 48 year old son who remain a child.  “He’s a good boy” she says repeatedly when referring to him.

Then I realize it is because of – as a result of  these sacrifices -  that she has become more Christ-like.

She has grown patient and joyful because she has always had to live beyond herself, sacrificially giving of her time and attention.  She has never quit serving- never experienced ease in retirement- thus she never quit growing.  She has learned that the desires of her heart are met not in receiving but in faithfully and patiently giving to others. Now she needs me to serve her – she needs me to be patient and attentive to her needs- to respond kindly and compassionately to her struggles.  She needs what I needed from her as a child – what my children needed from me when they were young – what their children now need from them.

A patient life perhaps is the truest evidence of a life most conformed to Christ’s image.“We do not go far with any fellow-traveler on the journey of life, before we find there is great occasion for it’s exercise,” wrote Albert Barnes in Notes on the Bible.

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake. “

Victor Hugo

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.  Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

I Peter 3: 8-9

NICE people are fun to hang with; those who are kind and thoughtful, who think of others and not just themselves.  They energize others and motivate their friends in positive ways. Unfortunately our youth culture (and even our adult world) can often be just the opposite; mean spirited, thoughtless and self centered.   Why is this so even within Christian communities where, deep inside, kids and adults innately know it’s wrong?

Part of the answer is buried within the social dynamics of cliques.

Clearly, one of the most consistent social issue kids of all ages deal with is wanting to belong-yet feeling left out.  The difficult emotions that well up inside a person who feels rejected smacks of utter despair!  School cliques are usually led by a handful of classmates who purpose to exclude others on the basis on their own established standards.  This form of social bullying punches and kicks the heart of the rejected ones-those who are denied acceptance based on a perceived inferiority in some area (intelligence, talents; physical attractiveness, social status, etc.). The friendships within the cliques are also limited to those who will allow the leaders to remain in control and at the center of it all.  In today’s connected world, this type of bullying often continues beyond the school day via cell phones and computers, making it even more relentless.

It’s a form of bullying that often goes on right under the eyes of both parents and teachers.

Kids know the rules–to belong to a clique, one has to abide by the rules taking on it’s identity or be subject to it’s criticism and judgment. All too often kids prefer peer acceptance over being judged and ridiculed, so they set out to please these social bullies at all cost.  Yet, the cycle only worsens as the rules of inclusion change on the whim of the clique’s leaders whose intentions are to keep others under their thumb.

The emergence of cliques begin early on in elementary school when rules of participation develop around simple things like kids whose parents know each other to the type of activities kids choose to play at recess. Joey belongs to a first grade group of boys who pay very close attention to the types of shoes each wear. This seems to be a major “in” or “out” factor for this group, making Joey overly concerned about what shoes he wears even at 7 years old.  Are they fast enough?  The right color?  Will the style of his shoes be acceptable in this group?

The social rules of cliques become more sophisticated (and worrisome) in middle school where they form around ideals such as girls who have boyfriends or those willing to use inappropriate language or the so called popular-but-not-all-that-well-liked students whose identity usually forms around material possessions, clothing and looks.  By high school, cliques also form around interests; athletics, music, drama, studies, art, etc.  Every school has the rebellious cliques; those students who unite together in some way against commonly held standards and values of their community. This continues on into the collegiate years and beyond.

One thing is true of all school cliques however:  the members within a clique begin to look alike, talk alike, behave alike and even believe like one another. What makes a clique different, from a tight knit circle of friends who enjoy each other, is the exclusivity factor which is formed around the powerful persuasion within the clique to become one identity. Some kids will compromise any value they hold to if belonging to this group is a higher aim, and in the adolescent years, that readily becomes the case. During the adolescent and teen years, nothing can serve to shape character and beliefs like cliques.  Therefore, parents need to be extra aware of what unifies the friendships their kids cling to.  These “unifiers” are sometimes deeply guarded secrets that can be destructive.  Thus in this very connected world, parents must be vigilant to paying attention to what (and when) their kids communicate about with their peers.

Wanting to belong certainly motivates kids to form cliques. So does our silly need to continually compare & contrast, and measure ourselves against each other developing a false sense of superiority (or inferiority) .  Kids measure themselves in all sorts of ways: who is taller, thinner,  prettier, smarter, more athletic, a better singer/speaker, stronger test scores, a higher GPA, more friends, better phone, nicer car, cuter boy/girlfriend, etc.

We adults do it too! Women especially are prone to comparing looks with others (size, hair, make up, jewelry, clothes, nails).  But we also size up homes, cars, jobs, husbands, boyfriends – the list goes on and on.  This internal measuring rod certainly does not encourage nice thoughts towards others; nor does it promote healthy relationships.  Rather it can serve up jealousy, which is downright ugly, destructive and self centered.

At the root of all this is insecurity – which results from basing our identity in false ideals.

Many times we form unrealistic expectations for ourselves and for others.  Then when things don’t happen for us the way we want them to and someone else gets the position-or promotion-or grade-or attention that we were after, we become jealous.  Why not me?  Why not my child?  While it indicates a sense of entitlement, the root issue is still insecurity. We will never gain security out of how we measure up against others.  Never.

When we wish we had what others have, when we want to be what others are, we fail to be grateful and we fail to be who God created us to be.

As parents, we need to stop comparing ourselves to others. And we need to stop comparing our children against other kids.   Stop worrying about YOU.  Teach your kids to stop worrying about themselves and find a way to be a blessing to someone else instead.   A focus on others will begin to change one’s internal priorities like nothing else and will form a true sense of security, because it’s the way of Jesus and the path by which we become who God calls us to be.

Cliques do the opposite.  They result from and fuel the need to feel superior. They promote more comparing and contrasting and they stimulate discord, gossip and backbiting.  Cliques oppose the unity intended to be shared among Christians.

Is it possible to form NICE cliques?

Can kids form friendship groups based on values that esteem others?  While we are to be loving and accepting, the Bible also warns us to stay away from those who sow discord and strife.  Thus it stands to reason that we can be both inclusive AND selective with regard to the standards we purpose to uphold within our friendship groups. Christians certainly need to encourage friendships based on ideals that are different from the culture around us. Try using this acronym to teach you kids about how they can develop wholesome relationships with their peers:

N: Notice others

I: Include others

C:  Compliment others

E: Encourage others

NOTICE others.

Everyone wants to be noticed or matter to others.  Giving attention to others is a powerful yet simple way to bless anyone.  Chances are that each time you step outside of your front door, you will find opportunities to acknowledge others and pay attention to someone.  And it’s amazing how simple acknowledgements can uplift someone; the neighbor across the street, the UPS delivery person, the child riding by on his bike.   Encourage your kids to notice other who fall outside their circle of friends and interests.  Doing so will enlarge their own experience in the process.

INCLUDE others.

Be hospitable and welcoming to all and not just to a chosen few.  It’s about being friendly. Practically speaking, we only have time to cultivate a few genuine friendships but purpose to enlarge the circle of who you bless and reach out to.  A tight knit group of friends can still be friendly to those outside their circle and include others  into their  social activities from time to time.  It may make all the difference in the life of a discouraged individual.

COMPLIMENT others.

Rather than seek compliments for themselves, expect your kids to give compliments, even to those who out perform them or gain something they themselves had wanted.  Encourage the to say nice things especially to those who tend to be overlooked time and time again.  Insecure individuals find it difficult to compliment however.  It’s feels like giving away something one doesn’t  possess.  Yet affirming others is a powerful way to gain a stronger sense of security in return.  Blessing others becomes a blessing.

ENCOURAGE others.

Encourage your kids to look for ways to uplift others, to be a source of positive motivation for their friends. A true friend is one who makes you a better person.  Encourage friendships for your kids that inspire in both directions. Teach them to be mindful of their words which have the capacity to change lives.   “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (Proverbs 18:21).

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?  Is it not that your passions are at war within you?  You desire and do not have, so you murder.  You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

James 3:1-3

Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.

Proverbs 28:27

The 1828 Webster Dictionary definition of emotion is “literally, a moving of the mind or soul; hence, any agitation of mind or excitement of sensibility.”

A moving of the mind and soul……

Makes sense and at the same time makes our feelings take on a greater significance.  If our emotions move one’s mind and soul, we best make sure we are aware of what direction they are moving us in! C. S. Lewis said this in Mere Christianity:  “every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before.  And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all you life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature.”

In addition, emotions  decorate our lives and make us who we are….

Emotions make us feel alive and fully human. They enrich and enhance our experience.  But they can also destroy, like a tornado, plowing down everything in the way.

To quote Oswald Chambers…..

The tendency is in us all to say, “you must not trust in feelings”; perfectly true, but if your religion is without feeling, there is nothing in it.  If you are living a life right with God, you will have feelings, most emphatically so, but you will never run the risk of basing your faith on feelings.  The Christian is one who bases his whole confidence in God and His work of grace, then the emotions become the beautiful ornament of the life, not the source of it.  (Biblical Ethics)

I find that inspiring! I desire for my emotions to be “beautiful ornaments” but instead at times they become the source of my confidence or what I  base my decisions on.   Oswald Chamber’s description is another way of defining emotional intelligence; to be fully alive with passion and emotion yet not base one’s decisions or actions on unpredictable, unreliable emotions.

Until kids grow in their emotional intelligence, they tend to be ruled by emotions, acting out impulsively without thinking.  Kids must  gain a good handle on these self management skills  prior to their teen years when greater freedoms are in place such as full access to cell phones and computers, which allow them to communicate  privately, and often impulsively, with peers both day and night. It’s a process that takes time however so start early and look for growth in these areas below which indicate a high emotional intelligence in your child:

• Comfortable talking about feelings.
• Emotionally resilient.  Bounces back from discouragement and defeat – not dominated by negative emotions.
• Able to read non-verbal communication.
• Balances feelings with reality, reason, and logic.
• Is interested in other person’s feelings.
• Is not immobilized by fear or worry.
• Does not internalize failure.

Following are a few warning signs indicating a low emotional intelligence:

• Can’t explain why he/she feels without blaming someone else.
• Doesn’t take responsibility for one’s feelings but blames others for them.
• Exaggerates or minimizes one’s feelings.
• Attacks, blames, criticizes, invalidates, judges others.
• Unable to discern the feelings of others.
• Is insensitive to the feelings of others, having little empathy or compassion.
• Lets things build up and then blows up over something relatively minor.
• Carries a grudge and is unforgiving.
• Acts out feelings rather than working them out.

What can you do to encourage the growth of emotional intelligence in your kids?

1. Listen and respond with empathy to what your child says, especially when he is telling you how he feels.  Then parrot or mirror back his feelings so he knows you heard what he had to say.  Empathizing does not mean you agree but that you understand his perspective.  This helps him reflect on his experiences and learn what his triggers are.
2. Validate emotions.  Disapproving of anger or fear does not make these negative emotions go away.  Instead of saying “that’s not a reason to get so mad” say something like “I can tell you are frustrated that your brother scribbled over your picture.“  The use the opportunity to discuss a better way to respond.  Rather than saying “don’t worry about the test,” say something like “I used to get nervous about math tests too. Tell me what has you worried.” Then used the opportunity to discuss problem solving strategies.
3. Stay calm when your own emotions grow angry and frustrated over the behavior of your children.  Being verbally harsh when you are angry puts the focus on you and not them.  At the same time, don’t hide how their actions make you feel but acknowledge your displeasure without acting upset. They need to understand how their actions affect others in order to grow empathy.  And they need to see that even difficult feelings can be managed.
4. Act it out.  Practice (role play) with your child responding in positive ways and solving  issues productively.  When a young child has responded poorly, give them opportunities to try out positive responses.  One way to do this is what I refer to as a “re do” with my grandchildren. Reserved for those times when they speak or act without thinking, I say  something like, “I don’t think you really meant to say (or do) that so let’s try again and say (or do) the right thing this time.”  This allows them to think about their improper response and replace it with a positive one.

Proverbs 14:29

Anger is certainly an issue in our society and increasingly more so. Even among kids who, because they are kids, will get mad. What is bothersome however is that more and more seem incapable of stopping at normal expressions of anger and instead employ heightened levels of aggressive words and actions.

Consider the article “Why are Kids so Angry?“

Clearly, acts of aggression are no longer confined to the privacy of people’s homes. They’re being played out in public places — at increasingly young ages. A recent study by the Yale Child Study Center in New Haven, CT, found that preschoolers are being expelled at more than three times the rate of K-12 students. Another recent survey of childcare providers, elementary school counselors, and pediatricians in Tarrant County, TX, found that more than 85% of the counselors who responded said kindergartners today have more emotional and/or behavioral problems than five years ago; 67% of childcare providers reported a similar trend with the young children in their care. “This is happening in schools all across the country,” says Ronald Stephens, executive director of the National School Safety Center in Westlake Village, CA. “We’re hearing about first-graders and kindergartners who are cursing and punching teachers and hitting classmates.”

While lots of reasons are pointed to, such as increased violence on TV, perhaps a not-so-obvious reason is that we have come to justify and excuse anger too highly as a sacred personal right – “ I have a right to be angry over this or that.”

• Do you find yourself justifying anger on the basis that it is  ”real to me” and therefore OK?
• Do you expect others to “understand you” based on your personal reality?
• Do your “real to me” emotions correspond to reality or to God’s truth?

Clearly anger can be one of the most devastating emotions we experience, with the capability of causing difficult, life-changing consequences.  Even adults find all sorts of reasons (triggers) to be angry: perceived injustice, offense, disappointment, stress, not achieving desired outcomes, being misunderstood, undervalued, overlooked or misrepresented, the innocent victim of another’s wrong-doing. The list is endless.  Yet anger, even with seemingly valid reasons, when left unchecked, leads to destructive habits of thought and action.

Parents readily justify their kid’s anger too.  It’s easier than having to examine your own child’s heart and motives. Some kids feel anger well upside when they are embarrassed or hurt.  Younger kids grow angry when they don’t get their way or get what they want – when they want it!  Some live in homes where anger is modeled as the norm in family conflict.Whatever the trigger (or the model they learn under), all kids need to learn healthy responses to the very real feelings of anger.

Joey, my seven-year- old grandson is an over-the-top- competitive boy, which serves him well at times, because it promotes drive and initiative as well as a desire to do well.  At others times, his competitive nature becomes his worst enemy, triggering explosive anger when he fails to win or achieve the results he desires.  Sometimes he expresses his angry feelings by aggressive actions and defiant statements  – and certainly by his facial expressions! As Joey’s awareness of his own emotions and their triggers grows, (foundational to one’s emotional intelligence) he will be more equipped to manage them wisely instead of erupting foolishly. He can be a hasty- tempered young boy one day and a self- controlled, patient young man the next.  Slowly the latter is becoming the norm!

How can we guide kids to deal with with their “real to me” emotions in healthy, productive ways?  It starts with learning to recognize a feeling or emotion when it happens. Otherwise kids quickly becomes victims of their own emotions, reacting blindly to their intense feelings of frustration, jealousy or anger.  When they come to recognize the entire gamut of emotions as they happen – how small irritations grow to frustrations and on to angry outbursts – they become more equipped to manage themselves. Emotionally mature kids don’t spend their days moving from one outburst to another.  Rather than screaming, hitting, kicking, or throwing things, they are able to take steps to calm themselves down and apply standards for themselves.

Joey is learning that anger can actually be a “friend” when he sees it as a reason to turn to God, or to improve himself, or to communicate honestly with others about conflicts.  Conflicts are a part of living life together with others and that will always be the case!  Following are some of the values our family is teaching Joey (and our other grand kids as they age)  We find that it is best to wait for teachable moments – and not in the midst of an explosion – when his heart is repentant and therefore receptive. Joey is learning to:

1. Recognize his feelings and name them.  In order to grow self control, Joey needs to be self aware and understand how he is wired and what his emotions are.
2. Establish personal standards for those times when his emotions intensify so that he will know how to respond wisely rather than react foolishly. Rather than slugging the kid who has cut in front of him in line, he can learn to pause, pray, count to then, or breathe deeply instead.
3. Identify triggers than can lead to anger. Competition is certainly one for Joey, and especially when he finds others doing better.  Another trigger is change to his normal routine.  Joey wants to know what’s going to happen and he grows anxious when things change.  Transition times are when he is more likely to become angry over anything and everything. A third trigger for Joey (and common for many kids) is not getting his way.  He wants what he wants and like many young kids, it is his driving motivation behind his actions. A strong sense of personal awareness will enable him to cope when triggers occur and help him make wise choices regardless of whether things go his way.  (It’s important that each adult and kid discover what their personal triggers are!)
4. Recognize the emotions of others which is necessary in order or him to have empathy.  He is also learning to cooperate with friends and family; how to assert himself without becoming aggressive and how to negotiate with his siblings and peers, working with them rather than against them.
5. Learn to take responsibility for his actions and not excuse his inappropriate behavior because of the actions of others. To do this he needs to focus on his own self improvement rather than what others need to do – even when they are wrong!
6. Grow content with what he has because one of the keys to emotional stability is actually contentment!
7. Be guided by God’s principles and align his emotions with God’s truth. Joey can work at ridding his heart of anger but he has to replace anger with something good and the answer lies in Galatians 5: 16-26 which should be memorized by every child of God!  Paul portrays both the works of the flesh and the fruit of the spirit which directly oppose each other.  “Works of the flesh” include enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, etc., while the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. What the flesh produces must be replaced by what the spirit produces.

If we are to grow as Christians we need to be emotionally healthy – stable – in control of our unpredictable and unreliable emotions. We must make feelings our friends, recognizing what they are, what triggers them, and how they can be used in positive ways to grow us closer to God and to others. But what we put our trust in, as well as our actions, must flow from the principles set forth by God, our solid rock, the One who is faithful and true and will never change.

The Bible has a lot to say about anger:

Ephesians 4:26-27 – Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Proverbs 15:18 – A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.

Colossians 3:8 – But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

Ephesians 4:31 – Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Proverbs 25:28 – A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

Colossians 3:13 – Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Proverbs 29:22 – A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

Romans 12:19 – Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Ecclesiastes 7:9 – Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.

Proverbs 22:24-25 – Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Psalm 37:8 : – Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.

God holds the saints responsible for emotions they have not got and ought to have as well as for the emotions they have allowed which they ought not to have allowed.  If we indulge in inordinate affection, anger, anxiety, God holds us responsible, but He also insists that we have to be passionately filled with the right emotions.

Oswald Chambers

For as a man thinks in his heart so is he.

Proverbs 23:7

Thursday of this week did not go as planned.

For weeks, I have been contemplating how one’s level of emotional intelligence (a person’s emotional skills and health) actually stems from the heart. After all the heart is closely connected to one’s feelings and affections and where value is given to the things that the mind understands. It’s where regeneration takes place;  yet we are also told in Jeremiah 17:9 that the heart is deceitful above all things.

Perhaps in the area of emotions we can be deceived the most because while emotions are real to us they are often not based on reality or truth. But back to Thursday. I had that day aside to write a post about this topic– but then Thursday “happened” starting Wednesday evening with a phone call from my youngest son-in-law.

“Oma, can you come down? Alisa is struggling.  I think she needs to go to the hospital.”  I was out the door before he could finish telling me that he had also suddenly come down ill and was barely able to care for 8 month old Asa, 4 year old Haddie, and 2 year old Greta who had come to spend the night.

Alisa with Asa and Haddie

My heart was pounding as I thought of Alisa who was 26 weeks pregnant – a miracle for a couple labeled infertile by the medical profession. Fear threatened to engulf my thinking as I sped down Highway 1626 to Kyle. Would my 26 week old granddaughter survive if she came tonight? And how would Peter and Alisa (and we) handle all this? My thoughts then turned to “why Lord?”  In my exhaustion (my husband and I are both recovering from a long bout with the influenza) I felt angry that our family recently had endured so much illness, including tiny 8 month Asa who was still needing daily breathing treatments in his struggle to get past the effects of RSV.

In what seemed like a very long trip in the dark, I arrived at the Dusan’s doorstep in 15 minutes having experienced all sorts of emotions on the way.  I wondered where all these emotions come from anyway. I know that when I am exhausted, the feelings that surface can be very irrational. And it’s then that I must choose to evaluate these emotions based on truth however real or true they feel to me. So I reminded myself that fear is not of God and only serves to make me more anxious and afraid and decidedly less useful for others. (And tonight I needed to be useful to Peter and Alisa!) I put aside my silly questioning of God as well knowing that He never gives me more than I can handle.  (It just seems like it when I am worn out and tired.) Truth is that I can remain steadfast and joyful – regardless of my circumstances when my strength is from Him.  I can run out of my own strength rather quickly but His strength is a endless stream  that keeps on reviving and rejuvenating.

Frightening emotions continued to threaten me as I drove Alisa to the hospital however. Watching my youngest daughter suffer through relentless vomiting and severe pain, the unspoken concern of imminent labor was on my mind and undoubtedly in hers as well – and it was clearly the concern for the OB nurses upon our arrival as they whisked her off to labor and delivery and immediately strapped monitors to her. In reality she was not only struggling with vomiting and diarrhea but these had in fact caused contractions which went on through the night.  But after receiving numerous fluids and medications through IV bags, Alisa returned home 14 hours later still very pregnant and much improved.  I knew that not every pregnant mother, suffering through what Alisa did, winds up with a positive outcome and my heart was grateful that in her case, all was well.

So, rather than write my intended post, I spent Thursday caring for my own kids and grand kids.  My oldest daughter, Erin, became very ill as well. So did her son Joey who unexpectedly vomited all over my couch, pillows and carpet.

A sleepless night.

A long taxing day.

An unwritten post.

Yet I went to bed with feelings of joy and gratitude. Looking back, I recognize how easily exhaustion can serve to distort emotions. So can fear. Emotions can be our friends turning us toward Him, or my enemies turning us  away from Him and into all sorts of destructive thinking and acting.

This time I had made them my friends.

This morning, my heart continues to be filled with emotions that are grounded in truth; that in their time of need, I am able to walk with my children and grandchildren; that I work for a school that allows me great flexibility to do so; and my own kids walked resiliently through yet another difficult day.  Alisa and Peter’s 3^rd child might have been born last night but I realized that they (we) would have faced that by God’s grace too.  We serve a God who is faithful and loving and kind and it is through trials that “the testing of our faith produces patience.” (James 1:3) Difficulties in life certainly bring to the surface all sorts of emotions which can serve to turn our hearts either toward truth or deception.

May it always be towards truth.

The need to growth in the ability to recognize one’s emotions, yet not be dominated by them, is essential for children (and adults) today. How can we learn to see our emotions in light of God’s truth and not in light of how real they feel to us? Join me in the next few weeks as we explore this topic and consider how we an help our kids grow in their emotional intelligence so that truth and not feelings will govern their lives.

The mature saint is just like a little child; absolutely simple and joyful and gay. Go on living the life that God would have you live and you will grow younger instead of older.  There is a marvelous rejuvenescence when once you let God have His way.

In the case of people with an impaired memory, as it is termed, some say it would be better to remove them, to put them to sleep if that were legal. Why do they say this? Because they estimate wrongly; they estimate according to the perfections of the machine. God looks at what we cannot see; the heart.  God does not look at the brain, at what man looks at, neither does He sum men up the way we do.

From The Quotable Oswald Chambers

Many would agree with George Dennison Prentice that “some old women and men grow bitter with age.  The more their teeth drop  out the more biting they get.” Thankfully, my 85 year old Äiti (mom in Finnish) is growing sweeter and more joyful instead.

While Äiti’s memory and ability to think logically is notably declining, her spirit is growing more resilient and her character defined more and more by the fruit of the Spirit; she is growing more loving, more joyful, more patient, more kind, more gentle with age.

Gone is her inclination to cast blame and grow sullen.  Gone is her habit of stubbornly holding on to her “rights” and getting angry. Even her impatience is declining!  Losing one’s memory must be worrisome but she is not afraid. She considers the “joy of the Lord” her strength and chooses to give simply thanks in everything.

She has difficulty retrieving words at times but not the truth about an issue.  She loves what is good and true. While she struggles to hold on to new information, deep in her memory stores are long, powerful prayers that she has recited day after day, week after week, year after year on behalf of herself and her family. Driving her to the store this week, I asked her to recite one of her daily prayers to me.  (I must admit I wanted to see if she could recite one from memory still) A remarkable peace enveloped me as I listened to line upon line of prayers flowing out of her with no hesitation whatsoever. I listened as she she sought a hedge of protection around herself, her children, her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She asked God to dispatch angels to surround all of us and the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us each so that we would discern between the truth and deception.  She rebuked all division, disunity, anger, condemnation, jealousy, grumbling, complaining.  She claimed the promise that no weapon formed against her or our family would prosper.  On and on flowed words of conviction and power.

I pondered the incredible blessings that have resulted from years of her private prayers for me and my family.

My New Year’s Resolution – to pray more this year – suddenly became more compelling. I want to be like Äiti, on my knees, humbling seeking God,  ridding my own heart of false thinking, and daily offering up intercessory prayers on behalf of my family and others. Remembering her stubborn, impatient, and irritable (at times) ways from earlier years, I want to know how she had become so pure in heart,so joyful, at an age when many of her peers are cranky and sullen instead.

I asked Äiti to tell me how she prayed each morning, realizing that this habit is key in her transformation. She pulled out an old journal, pointing to a page she had written years and years ago in her native Finnish language, titled “Koinka Rukoilla” (How to Pray).  I asked her to hand write me a copy and have translated for you below.

I want powerful habits of prayer deeply ingrained in me so that someday should my memory fade and my mind grow confused, spiritual clarity will remain in my heart where the enemy cannot snatch it away.   I am learning through Äiti  that what our mind produces can be lost but what is sown by the Holy Spirit deep within our hearts will abide forever.  In the end, only what’s done for Christ will last!

I am desiring a single minded focus this year on what truly matters.  How different would life here on earth be if heaven were our daily aim!

“How To Pray” by Äiti

Go to the Lord in humility and bow before Him on your knees.

Be alone with God.

Be mindful that He alone is God; He will accomplish all His work.

Surrender.  Wait.

The Holy Spirit is your helper given to you by God Himself.

Learn from Him.

Be still.  Listen.

He will hear you and help you, unless you harbor wrong thoughts about others or allow bitterness to remain in your heart.

Listen to others.  But be alone with God.

That will be best for you.

Listen. Learn.

Do all of your battling on your knees!!

I picture her now; humbly on her knees, repenting of wrong thoughts, ridding her own heart of bitterness, waiting, listening, learning, battling for her family. Oh how blessed I am to have a mother like Äiti who is devoted to the greatest work possible here on earth.  I come back from this trip a better person for having spent time with Äiti.   May I learn everything I can from her before the Lord calls her home.

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in.  Aim at earth and you get neither!

C.S. Lewis

How do we communicate tough messages effectively, speaking the “truth in love” when what we have to say is painful and difficult? My tendency is either to remain silent, which at times is the right thing to do, or to get angry and complain. I am convinced that sometimes the Holy Spirit keeps my heart stirred up over issues that I really should speak up about. My desire is to be so sensitive to the spirit’s leading that I am able to readily discern when to speak and when to simply shore up my own heart and remain silent.

I would love to hear your ideas and thoughts on this important topic, not only as it applies to you but also as to how we can teach our children this strategic skill.  I have been pondering this all week long and here are some of my thoughts:

My experience with Glen taught me that it is more important to communicate out of sorrow rather than anger.  Even typing this statement, I realize how strange it sounds, but consider the message Paul sent to the Corinthian in II Corinthians 7: 8-9: “For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it, though I did regret it, for I see that the letter grieved you, though only for awhile. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting.  For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us.”  Clearly he and Titus had been discussing some difficult issues that grieved them and clearly Paul felt led to share his feelings and exhortations directly.  He addressed the church out of sorrow and not anger.  He did not remain silent even though his message brought grief to the recipients and eventually it prompted necessary change and growth.

Here’s some application for us today:

• Don’t ignore the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  At times you will be stirred up to address issues with others and especially with your own children and spouse.  God may use you to sharpen someone else as “iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another.”  (Proverbs 27:17) Be courageous and obedient even if you fear the outcome.   The words you share may be the very words necessary at just the right moment for the recipient.
• Be patient!  Don’t “jump the gun” or expect immediate changes in your own timing.  God does the work in the heart and not you! He merely uses you in the process.
• Pray before you speak to others.  Refrain from speaking about difficult issues before your own heart is “prayed up.”
• Never communicate impatiently out of anger, no matter how difficult it is to refrain!  Put a muzzle on your mouth until your temper settles down because your anger poured out onto others will not produce anything positive. Nor will your grumbling!
• Never communicate out of a critical spirit which reflects the presence of pride. Deal with your own heart first. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
• Seek council from a trusted mentor who can help you work through the issues and bring spiritual discernment. Refrain from seeking council from others for the purpose of justifying your own feelings, proving a point, or finding someone merely to agree with you.

Correction is always painful. I never enjoy being corrected but afterwards I have loved and respected the one who has the courage to tell me the truth.  Bitter at the start, it’s medicine that makes me better in the end.  If I love someone I will tell them the truth, painful as it is, because truth changes lives and in the end serves to strengthen relationships.  But it’s risky and frightening so we tend to run from such deep involvement with others. What if we get hurt?  What if they don’t receive what we have to say?  What if it ends the relationship? We are to be loving men and women, willing to tell the truth and to walk patiently in accountability with one another. Easier said than done!  Imagine the growth in our relationships however if we were more willing to both give and receive correction with bold yet humble hearts!

Tips on teaching kids these strategies:

• When kids behave poorly and do wrong things, the tendency is to deal with them in anger and frustration.  Try responding to them out of your sorrow over their actions instead.  They will be more motivated to change by a sorrowful response  rather than an angry one.  It definitely works with my grandchildren!
• Tell you kids the truth about their performance and behavior.  Don’t sweeten the message.  Expect them instead to be strong enough to handle the truth and grow from it.  Pain has a way of producing gain!
• As you speak openly with you kids, they in turn can learn how to communicate tough messages to their peers.  Like us, they prefer to get angry or ignore the issues but neither deepens friendships. Teach them the truth in Proverbs 27:6  which says “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.”
• Role play with them honest, truthful responses as they work through issues with friends.  What are some things they can say?  (“It makes me uncomfortable (or sad) when you gossip about others.” – “It’s hard to spend time with you when you whine and complain.”)

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this matter!

A man who is on the grousing line has no brightness or joy, no time for other people; he is taken up with the diseases of his own mind.

Oswald Chambers

PLEASE take a few minutes to read this message from my heart to yours this holiday season.  I am compelled to share this  not-very-light-hearted message out of personal conviction but also because I sense that the Holy Spirit is stirring up this same conviction in many of you.  My prayer is that it leads to a deepening of true unity and peace within each of our homes, spilling into our churches and workplaces,  not just in this holiday season, but also through the New Year and our lifetimes.

God is doing a unifying work in His church and it is happening one heart at a time.

Everywhere I go, I sense a desire on the part of Christians to intentionally establish their hearts.  I know that many of you reading this are among those who not only desire for the Lord to dwell richly  in your hearts but to wholly reign there as well.  You see God’s  Word as truth to take scripture seriously and applied personally. The Holy Spirit is yearning for your heart jealously! (James 4:5  – Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

I thank God for many of you who inspire me to grow by your life and your words.   I pray that you will join me in establishing an authentic resolution to stop grousing entirely! Christians are not so set apart from the world when it comes to grumbling and complaining.  And we are increasingly becoming more so both in our discontentment and in our lack of patience; a duo that actually works in tandem.

I cannot think of anything that would have a more positive impact in our homes, schools, churches, workplace than if we intentionally worked on our patience and our propensity to grumble. What inspiration could occur in our families- in our churches- in our workplaces if we consistently chose to go against this negative standard in our society (and the inclination of the natural man within us) by taking God’s Word seriously in these areas that He has plenty to say about!

Read James 5:7-9:

Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. ⁸ You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.⁹ Do not grumble against one another, brethren, lest you be condemned.Behold, the Judge is standing at the door!

Be patient!

Stated twice here and in many other scriptures, we are to be patient, not only as we wait for the Lord to return but in how we treat others. We are to “count it all joy when we meet trials of various kinds” because the testing of our faith will establish our hearts.

Establish your heart!

Not only are we to set our hearts apart from the world, but we are to purposely rid our hearts of our natural inclinations to focus on ourselves and grumble about others.  The state of my heart governs what I focus on and eventually what I say and do. Proverbs 4:20-27 gives us guidance in how:

My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.
²¹ Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.
²² For they are life to those who find them,
and healing to all their flesh.
²³ Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.
²⁴ Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.
²⁵ Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
²⁶ Ponder the path of your feet;
then all your ways will be sure.
²⁷ Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
turn your foot away from evil.

Do not grumble!

Why is it that so many Christians are chronic grumblers, complaining incessantly about almost everything and everybody?  Sadly, it’s our cultural standard that we have conformed to despite all the blessings that God has indeed bestowed upon us as a nation.  We somehow feel the need to express feelings of displeasure, dissatisfaction and resentment with our circumstances. We grumble to gain support and compassion for ourselves.  In our grumblings we slander others and carelessly cast blame. We complain about our jobs, our family life, our possessions, our political leaders, our bosses, our kids.  We  mutter discontentment and model this destructive practice to our children (who have learned it well when one considers the qualities of our youth culture)!

Do you notice how we tend to do so in a whispered confidential manner?

Perhaps it’s because deep inside we know it’s wrong! It is tremendously difficult to stop grumbling and to reshape one’s mind to not complain.  It is our natural default and the path of least resistance and let’s be honest; it feels good.  Grumbling however is a self centered mindset with an additive, and ensnaring quality so beware!

It seems that often the biggest grumblers and complainers are hyper- sensitive when the grumbling is aimed at them. Ouch!

What do you grumble about? Where does your thinking go when you face daily frustrations and trials? When people treat you unjustly and when things don’t go your way do you find ways to justify your grousing and complaining? Guard your hearts by not allowing such thoughts to reside or habits to develop. Purify your hearts by repenting and asking the Holy Spirit to change you.

And what is the impact on those who are recipients of our grumbling and complaining?

Our words have a life of their own.  They shape opinions, form perceptions, and are often repeated over and over.  I am ashamed to realize the wrong I have offered to the recipients of my grumblings.  No wonder scriptures tells us that we are accountable for every idle word we speak. (Matthew 12:36) A dear friend from years ago mentored me effectively when I would grumble and complain. She would simply ask “what do you want me to do with what you just told me?” She made it very difficult for me to complain to her and through her gentle questioning, brought conviction to my own heart.

The truth is that we can’t reshape our minds not to complain.

We can try to control our thoughts and put a muzzle on our mouths but when trials come (and they will daily), what we hold to in our hearts will overflow.  The issue is our hearts- what we store there.  If we cling to anger and unforgiveness;  if we store up resentment, it will overflow from us to others.  Only God’s Word can renew our minds and it is our responsibility to give Him room in our hearts to move by giving up what our selfish nature wishes to hold on to.

Prayer: Lord I ask you to free my heart of self-seeking thoughts and ways and fill me instead with the “wisdom that is from above which pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.” (James 3:13-17)

Verses to Ponder

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Psalm 106:25 – They murmured in their tents, and did not obey the voice of the Lord

Philippians 2:12-16 – Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

Matthew 7:1-2 – Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

I Thessalonians 5:18 – Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

“We become what we want to be by consistently doing what we want to become.”

I have lots of good intentions.

But my good intentions don’t always wind up becoming a reality.

I set out to exercise regularly.

To write encouraging notes.

To eat less sugar.

To pray more.

Unless I am intentional about these good intentions, they fall by the wayside however. Having good intentions is far different than being intentional.

Just like faith without works is dead, so are good intentions without follow through.

Early in our marriage, my husband would often say to me at the end of the day, “I drove by a flower store and thought about buying you some flowers – but it’s the thought that counts.”  Nothing infuriated me more than to hear him say this because in reality, he never bought me flowers.  He just thought about it. For years. (He’s change though!) Thinking about doing something and not doing it is in my opinion worse than merely not doing something.  It means that I actually gave it some thought – perhaps was even convicted to do something – but did not follow through.

In our highly distracted, noisy, fast paced culture, our human default is to become more random and haphazard in how we conduct our lives.  We spontaneously live out our days, by doing what feels right and good at the moment. By the mere fact of how easily we can communicate with each other, we have become more spontaneous.  Instead of planning our days, making and keeping commitments, carrying our our good intentions, we go into a spur-of-the-moment mindset, responding emotionally to distractions of the hour. By the end of the day, we are often ragged, worn out and frustrated by a big list of “to dos” still undone.  (No wonder dinner time can be a challenge for families!)

Being intentional requires a deliberate approach to how I walk out each day. To be intentional means to determine in advance what I will say and do – what my priorities and values are.  To live with intention is to have fixity of purpose, a firm determination that is marked by boldness and steadfastness!

Oswald Chambers said that  “there is a potential hero in every man – and a potential skunk!”  It will be determined by what one is intentional about.

• Will I be intentional about how I speak and treat others, especially those right within my home? The natural default is to allow self seeking interests and personal needs to drive what I say and do.
• Will I seek the Lord daily on my knees inviting him into everything I do? The natural default is to fall to my own  thoughts and determinations.
• Will I be intentional about how I spend my time? Or will I regularly  fall prey to the distractions and to the “tyranny of the urgent.”

Nothing impacts today’s  students more than this snare.

With the availability of distractions at their fingertips at all hours of the day and night, students are easily lured by what they feel like doing at the moment- especially when they are not feeling like doing school work!  A lack of intentional focus greatly increases the amount of time required for them to obtain mastery. Furthermore, it encourages  inattentive mental habits, and decreases their desire to even learn. Instead, students find more and more enjoyment in attending to distractions- to whatever pops up on their screens; responding to every text message or email immediately; choosing to focus on the haphazard things and not to what is matters most.  Then a different set of values begins to replace their original good intentions.

And what about our faith?

When our spiritual life lacks regular determination to remain and grow in Christ; when we fail to daily seek Him in all things, our natural inclinations take over and we grow dull to His voice. We find ourselves on “the path of least resistance” where our human minds and emotions take over and we forget about the things of God. For the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, nor can he know then, because they are spiritually discerned. (1 Corinthians 2:14)

We must intentionally set our hearts upon the things of Christ or we will unintentionally set our hearts on ourselves and on the worldly values. What we set our hearts on will flow out of us; and spontaneous combustion from the heart can be a destructive way to live unless our hearts are intentionally filled with Jesus.

If we intentionally draw near to God he will draw near to us. If we intentionally resist the devil, he will flee from us.  (James 4:7)

My walk with Jesus requires that I am intentional about the journey.  One day at a time, I need to remain in Him.  Jesus said this to his disciplines in John 15: 4-5: Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.”

Does your marriage need work?

Then sincerely and deliberately become intentional as the Lord instructs you in the process. (and He will if you willingly listen!)  Just because it’s hard, does not meant you shouldn’t follow through on doing hard things.  It’s never easy to do the right thing.  In fact it is quite easy to do the wrong things.  It’s the natural man – the default within.

Do you need to be more intentional with your kids, training their spiritual hearts and improving your relational time with them?

It starts first with you and how intentional you are with your own relationship with God.  Finding time for spiritual matters is not easy; especially for mommy’s with young children.  Yet, God gave us each 24 hours and He longs for us to fill it with His presence.  He does not place us in this season of our lives to lose Him in the midst of it. While you working at your own intentionality, encourage your kids to find something to be intentional about as well: to read with more comprehension; to improve their math facts; to decrease the time it takes for them to complete an assignment; to watch less TV; to be intentional kind to their siblings; to memorize scripture.

Finally, seek Him early in the day to commit the days happens to Him.  Seek Him at the end of the day as well to bring closure to the day’s events. Begin and end with Him. Intentionally – even if it is just a few minutes.  The bookends of success are in the starting and in the finishing.  When we start and end our days intentionally focusing on the One who created everything including TIME,  chances are that what takes place between will be more intentional as well.

Sooner or later, my words reveal the condition of my heart.  I can pretend- put on a mask. I can try to hold down what’s in my heart with a lid, but when the heat gets turned up, the contents will bubble up and overflow.  “Out of my heart my mouth will speak.” (Matthew 12:34)  And the overflow of our hearts is most likely to happen at home with those we cherish the most,  when we let down our guard amidst the pressures of daily living.

James states that “the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity…set on fire by hell.” And in Acts chapter two we read about tongues of fire that sat upon each person present, filling them with the Holy Spirit.  I choose, moment by moment, which fire will ignite my tongue by which fuel I allow my heart to be filled with.

Will my heart be filled with wisdom that is from above or wisdom from below?

We can be saved by grace yet still in bondage to what we hold tightly to in our hearts.  According to James 1:21, we are to lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness so that we can humbly receive the implanted Word.  A heart filled with His words will spill forth sweet, life giving water; words that are pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruit. (James 3:17)  But what if one’s heart is filled instead with other things: envy, strife, anger, malice, unforgiveness, worry, self seeking thoughts?   What is the overflow of such a heart?  Harshness? Anger? Impatience?  Malice? Discord?

A tree is known by its fruit. (Matt 12:33)

We can offer others both harm and healing with our words.

We can bless and we can curse with our words.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue.  (Proverbs 18:21)

Our words, both written and spoken, reveal who we are.  They have to power to teach, to encourage, to comfort, to control, to hurt.  No wonder Jesus said in Matthew 12: 3l that we are accountable for every idle word we speak.

To control our tongue however requires more than watching what we say; it requires that we keep our hearts with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23) We need to empty our hearts of what defiles and make room for Jesus who fills us with wisdom from above.

The best gift we can give (and model for) our children, our spouses, our friends and our co-workers is a clean heart, one that is emptied of evil and self seeking ways and filled with good treasures. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. Matthew 12:35

If this convicts you as it did me, take time this week to ponder the Proverbs below about the tongue.  Memorize them and share them with your kids!

Other Proverbs About the Tongue

Proverbs 10:11: The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

Proverbs 10: 19-21: When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.  The tongue of the righteous is choice silver but the heart of the wicked is of little value.  The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

Proverbs 11: 12-13: A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.

Proverbs 12:14: From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.

Proverbs 12: 18: Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 12: 22: The LORD detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful.

Proverbs 13:3: He who guards his hips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

Proverbs 15:1: A gentle answer turns way wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:4: The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 15:28: The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

Proverbs 16: 23: A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.

Proverbs 17:26: A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

Proverbs 18:2: A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

Proverbs 18:7: A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are a snare of his soul.

Proverbs 18:21: Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 25:11: A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these things ought not to be so.  Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?

James 3:10

Erin, as a three year old, chattered about God putting holes in houses.

Alisa, as a three year old, taught her friend that Jesus died crossing the street.

In digging a bit deeper, I discovered that to Erin “holy” meant “full of holes” and she had learned in Sunday School that God’s house was holy!  Alisa connected the Easter story about Jesus dying on the cross with warnings about crossings roads and assumed Jesus was hit by a car when he crossed a street!

How we perceive things and others is often distorted by what we fail to recognize.

The quickest means to distorting my perceptions is something I actually cause myself; it’s when I burden my day with negativity- when I refuse to see my day with a “happy heart.” Two weeks ago, I wrote about the spiritual fog that results from those exceedingly  overwhelming & painful events in life. Last week, the blog was about how we face regular difficulties in life.  Today’s post is about how we embrace daily life.

Am I seeing each day with spiritual eyes or am I wearing blinders which distort my perception?

Nothing blinds me quicker than when I begin to think in grumbling and complaining ways. Before I realize it, my perception of the day has grown undesirable. Then my vision turns inward and I grow self- centered in my thinking.  My own foolishness blinds me.

A mans foolishness leads him astray, yet his heart rages against the Lord.  Proverbs 19:3

The man who is on the grousing line has no brightness or joy, no time for other people; he is taken up with the diseases of his own mind.  Oswald Chambers

Each day is a precious gift from God, meant for us to encounter deeply and grow from- to serve generously and bless from.  We are to wholly jump into the opportunities God grants us one day at a time- or we miss out in ways we will never know!

• I can endure days with my eight young grandchildren as a distraction from my “ordered week” or I can embrace them as the blessings that they indeed are; despite the incessant activity, the sticky hand-prints on my windows, the toys scattered about.
• Parents of young children can endure this short season in their lives as annoying or embrace it as fulfilling; despite the sleepless nights, the frustrating temper tantrums, the inability to focus deeply on anything “adultish”, the constant disruptions.
• Parents of adolescents can endure this unpredictable season as troublesome or embrace it as a joyful challenge; despite the arguing, the lack of focus, the drama, the change, the concerns, the full schedules.

Each day is an opportunity to seize what God has intended for good or to let these moments pass by – unopened, never to be recovered.  Are you enduring your days, wishing them away or are you embracing each day as an opportunity to bless and to be blessed?  Each day has purpose for you to fully squeeze out; both the trials and the happy moments.

Count it all as joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have it’s perfect work that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1: 2-4

Daily I have an intentional choice to make:

• Will I thank God for my circumstances or will I complain, wanting something different from what He has ordained and provided me with?  (In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. I Thessalonians 5:18)
• Will I choose a blessing or a curse? (This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.  Deuteronomy  30:19)
• Will I practice living in contentment or will I establish thinking patterns of discontentment, blinding my eyes to God’s greater purposes? (But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain that we can carry nothing out. – 1Timothy 6:6-7)

To quote Elisabeth Elliott:

“The devil is evidently attacking you in your innermost heart, not causing you to doubt so much as causing a spirit of discontent. Fortunately, we both know that temptation is not a sin, it is yielding to temptation that causes us to sin and I feel that you must count it joy that you are passing through these times of difficulty, for they are sure signs that the Lord is blessing you...”

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Matthew 5:8

(2nd post in a series about the heart)

I recently complained to my dear sister-in-law Debi about some difficulty I was having in dealing with my 47 year old autistic brother.  His stubbornness and my impatience had once again clashed. Immediately I felt ashamed however -  and told her so -  to which she replied “I know that you have a good heart and meant well.”   Did I?  Does my complaining- even when I think it is justified – ever flow from good intentions?  Why do I complain about anyone and especially my brother, whose life experience has largely been one of rejection and difficulty?

How can this heart of mine – which professes to love Jesus -  so quickly spew out garbage?

The Bible has a great deal to say about the human heart, and often connects it to ones thoughts. “For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he”. (Proverbs 23:7) What my mind understands, my heart gives value to. The overflow of my heart is perhaps the clearest revelation of who I really am; and that at times is not very becoming. But I excuse myself because of  “good intentions.”

Debi defended me in this manner – just like parents excuse their kids on the basis of  “good hearts.”  “He did not mean to hurt her” or “she would never cheat on purpose because she has an honest heart.”  Yet the Bible tells us that the human heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. (Jeremiah 17:9) Jesus said that out of the heart proceeds evil thoughts, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander. (Matthew 15: 19)

I want my human heart to become a pure heart, one that is unwilling to spill forth bitterness or anger or slander or gossip or complaint.  When I think that this human heart of mine is where Christ chooses to dwell through faith (Ephesians 3;16) and where He accomplishes His cleansing work, I am awed.

My heart is the dwelling place of the living God. Wow!

Therefore I must prepare my heart for Him  -  empty of my own thoughts  and open to His -  so that He will create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)  The preparations of the heart belong to man; the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.  All the ways of a man are pure in his own ways, but the LORD weighs the spirits.  Commit your works to the LORD, and your thoughts will be established. (Proverbs 16:1-2)

It’s with a pure heart that I can see God.

It’s only with a pure heart that I begin to see my brother in a new light as well. It’s when God takes out my heart of stone and replaces it with a heart that beats like His (Ezekiel 36:26), that I can begin to love as He commands me to.  I don’t know why God formed Michael in an autistic fashion, but I do know that He does not make mistakes.  We can be so focused on the differences in others that we fail to see how these very differences can enrich our lives and inform our hearts. Michael is a precious child of God.  With his autism – not in spite of -  he was created with value and purpose and with unique strengths.  Despite knowing Michael my entire life, I can’t really say I understand him.   I want to rid my heart of annoyance and impatience and grow instead an empathetic heart for him.

Make my heart pure, dear Lord, so that I can see you more clearly  and see others as You see them.  Thank you for the special brother you have given me.  Teach me to see him in ways that enrich my life and inform my heart. I want to love him as he is and not focus so much on how to change him. He has a lot to teach me about patience and empathy and I thank you for him. Amen.

From the ends of the earth I will cry to you, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 61: 2

The first in a series of posts intended to encourage the hearts of adults who walk as lights for today’s young men and women:

I am on a plane headed to Oregon. Peering out the small window, I see nothing but a sea of dense fog- not the typical white billowy clouds that dot the landscape below, but a dense gray fog that obscures everything.  Are we flying over a mountainous region? A desert? A metropolitan area? I have no idea.  I can’t see.

Sometimes I feel as if I am in a spiritual fog; when the “eyes of my heart” can’t see through the fog that has surrounded my very soul.  It’s usually when I allow life to overwhelm me.  I really have two choices: to step up onto the “rock that is higher than I” where the fog dissipates, or to be pulled down by the cares of this world and set up camp in the mire that exists below.  God grants me a free will in this choice, regardless of how evil the day is.  His Word tells me how to fend off the darkness and be restored to light:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the Devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rules of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6: 10-13

Are you experiencing an evil day (or season); a time  of shaking?

Is your marriage being severely tested?

Is your family life in a state of disarray?

Are your kids struggling and/or disobedient?

Is your church or school or workplace facing major trials and challenges?

Are you, or a loved one, facing major medical issues?

Are you feeling overwhelmed by life?  I sense that many are right now!

I wonder why a loving God allows such times in our lives?

But in my wondering I begin to see-  to perhaps comprehend His wisdom in this. Where would we be without pain? Without struggle? Without these days of evil?  Are these not the very times that we thrust ourselves into the arms of Jesus?  Could it be that God allows the prince of darkness to remain among us because we run from him to “the rock that is higher than I”  when we face deep struggles?

It’s when I become utterly overwhelmed that I cry out to God.  And I beg Him to lead me to solid ground;  to “the rock that is higher than I.” When I abide anywhere else, I fail to see life from His perspective and the eyes of my heart grow dim.

Why is it that we can so easily come to see each other as the enemy when God commands that we be at peace with one another?  We have no true enemy but the enemy of our soul who comes against us by trying to cut through the cords that bind us together. Satan can’t join us on the rock, but he abides below tempting us to climb down and think in his ways of disunity, discord, self pity, & anger. Satan is the great separator coming between husband and wife, mother and father, brother and sister.  At times we fail to acknowledge his destructive influence yet at others times we forget how completely impotent he is in the presence of Christ.

He cannot enter the shelter of the Almighty.

We can though.  And we must! We enter into His gates with thanksgiving and into His courts with praise. (Psalm 100)  Amazing that when we elect to be thankful, we are ushered into His gates where Satan can’t follow.  If you fear for the life of your marriage; for the well being of your children; for financial provision; if everything about you is falling apart and you find yourself “in the day of evil’–  start thanking God!  Thank him for your struggles that serve to grow you stronger.  Praise His name!  Thank you that He is able to make beauty out of ashes – when you hand Him the ashes!  As you sing praises, your vision will begin to clear and the fog around you will lift;  the eyes of your heart will be enlightened. Standing on the rock that is higher than I, you will see your circumstances via the eyes of Jesus and not through the blinding fog of your own self- focused ways.

Satan does not defeat us.

We defeat ourselves by opening the door of our hearts to his subtle influence – we wind up in the wrong battlefields – blaming and accusing each other rather than linking  arms together against our real enemy.  Step back up and stand on “the rock that is higher than I.” You vision will clear and the fog will lift and the eyes of your heart will be enlightened.

NOTE:  We adults are the light bearers for today’s youth- showing them the way to Jesus. Daily however, I interact Christian adults who are overwhelmed with life – who can’t seem to find a way out of discouraging circumstances themselves- whose lights have grown dim.  If that’s you, I pray that your hearts will shine again with the light of Jesus.

“Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp-stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.”  Matthew 5:15

“For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”  2 Corinthians 4:6

Next Week:  A Heart that Sees

]]> http://familywings.org/the-rock-that-is-higher-than-i/feed/ 0 http://familywings.org/the-struggles-of-life/ http://familywings.org/the-struggles-of-life/#comments Fri, 28 Sep 2012 13:36:05 +0000 Ellen http://familywings.org/?p=3794

Count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

James 1:2-4

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I Thessalonians 5: 20-21

This past week Sheeva, a senior in high school, faced her classmates, a mere 48 hours after the unexpected death of her mother, and delivered a sincere message of hope and joy.  I walked into the classroom brokenhearted and left -  still very sad-  but with a supernatural peace.  I had been deeply touched by a student I thought I would be ministering to.  Instead, in the face of deep struggle,  she ministered, in a profoundly way, to everyone else in the room.

Blessed in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saint.

Sheeva began her message by quoting Psalm 116:15- choosing to stand on God’s word. Like her precious mother, she will not question God nor cease from rejoicing in all things.  She is carrying forward the legacy of her dear mom, whose life had been refined by fire, whose walk was made steadfast through major challenges, and who influenced many of us deeply with her restful mindset and peace filled heart.

Sheeva is carrying her mother’s legacy forward– to rejoice in all things- to be anxious for nothing – and allow the peace of God which surpasses all understanding to guard her heart and mind through Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Death has now ushered Venus, her mom, into eternal rest where she abides in perfect peace.  She is free from the struggles that life on earth requires. She is home. While we mourn and weep with her family in this time of sadness,  we also rejoice in the life of a godly woman who had discovered the secret to true rest and peace.  Venus genuinely knew what it meant to be in God’s will for her life; regardless of what she faced, she chose to “rejoice always, pray without ceasing and in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  (I Thessalonians 5:16-17)

I will miss Venus very much.  Her wisdom.  Her steadfast joy in the LORD.  Her restful spirit.  The supernatural peace she radiated.  I wish I would have told her how much she meant to me and how much her humility spoke to my own heart.

For some, like Sheeva and her family, the challenges in life are enormous.   When I consider the individuals who have influenced me most deeply, they are often ones who have walked (or are still walking) through deep struggles and challenges, but have found the joy of the Lord to be their supernatural strength.  (Nehemiah 8:10)  For most of us, the challenges we face are pale in comparison.  Like Venus – and like Sheeva – I want to learn how to “count it all joy when we fall into various trials so that the testing of my faith will produce patience, so that patience can have its perfect work….” (James 1:2)

Tcaching Kids how to Respond to Daily Challenges

(by initiating  a “daily challenge” conversation)

While we certainly don’t desire tragedy to strike, I see great value in teaching our kids how to face daily struggles with strength and positive vitality.  I want them to learn how to not crumble when adversity strikes- regardless of how big or small. One of the best ways we teach our kids how to face challenges  is to share with them how we ourselves handle struggles and adversity. Daily life often provides many opportunities to practice (and model) handling challenges – which are really opportunities to learn and grow.  I have started a new kind of conversation with my family, asking them daily to share something challenging they faced in the course of the day as well has how they responded. I want my grandchildren to think about struggles in a new and productive way. It is already led to some interesting conversations and opportunities to share how we as adults deal with our challenges as well.

Example: Having previously defined “challenge” to be anything – however large or small – that tempts one to react poorly but also gives one a learning opportunity to think and grow wiser, I asked Joey, my first grade grandson, what challenge he had faced that day at school and how he handled it.  Joey had previously  been facing a form of peer pressure  with a classmate teasing him for not knowing how to play certain video games.   Joey responded by telling me that this teasing was no longer really a challenge because he now ignored the taunting and did not let on that it bother him and as a result the teasing had largely stopped.  Having previously reacted in anger and retaliation, I was pleased with the growth in Joey who went on to say that his greatest challenge of that day turned out to be about whether or not to eat a birthday cupcake during a week in which he had already eaten lots of sweets.  He chose to eat one but at least he is thinking!

Thinking about how to respond to even very minor challenges promotes growth. And learning how to respond well to minor challenges each day can grow the ability to handle larger challenges down the road.

So share your daily challenge with your kids- whether its about meeting a work deadline, losing a check, or dealing with a sick dog – and start a discussion about the challenges they face in their day as well.

I would love to hear your examples and what impact you see coming out of this type of modeling and resulting discussions!!!

The desire of the sluggard kills him, for his hands refuse to labor.

Proverbs 21: 25

My grandchildren are typical young children- they want what they want when they want it and they make their needs known.  The other day as I was feeding five of them lunch. I found myself bristling with the cacophony of whining:  “Why did she get the pink cup- I want a bigger piece- I want Ketchup, I WANT KETCHUP- where’s myyyyyyy drink- I don’t like cheese- I need a napkin” – Losing all patience, I stated rather emphatically “I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE.”  Not exactly a thoughtful statement -  yet it certainly reflected how I felt at the moment – I was someone who was expected to respond to and meet their every demand.

Do you find yourself at times feeling enslaved in your efforts to meet the needs of your children?    They don’t even have to ask – just state a need – and you drop what you are doing to come to their aid.

It’s seems to be the “American way” of parenting but where is it leading?

This past week, a friend forwarded the following article to me – Spoiled Rotten: Why do kids rule the roost? by Elizabeth Kolbert. The author highlights what an anthropologist observed with regard to young kids and their willingness to perform tasks and serve others, both in a remote tribe in the Peruvian Amazon and here in our country.   The conclusion of the article was that  “ It almost seems as if we’re trying to raise a nation of ‘adultescents’ who are unable to handle the logistics of everyday life.”

While my own upbringing certainly had its share of flaws,  my siblings and I were raised by hard working parents who taught us a strong work ethic. My dad was raised during the depression and my mom immigrated to the states from a very poor farming community in Finland.  They raised us on a 300 acre farm which my father ran as a “side job” to compliment his profession as an attorney.  We learned early on how to tend gardens, mow lawns, make jam, freeze vegetables, churn butter, bake bread, milk cows, feed cattle, bale hay, iron clothes, fix dinner, clean the house.  When we did have time to play, we had to create our own entertainment because my parents did not believe in buying stuff.   So we used a mail order service to rent library books; we climbed trees and tied ropes in the barns to make swings; we built forts in the woods; we made homemade fishing poles to use in a nearby river and caught crayfish with our hands.  Having lived a rather isolated childhood, I left for college somewhat naive about college life and about the academic demands that lay ahead. Still I embarked upon my college career, at a relatively rigorous private liberal arts college, with confidence because I knew how to work and apply myself.  The skills I learned as a child, although not related to academics, served me very well all throughout college and the same was true for my siblings.  I thank my parents for having modeled a strong work ethic and for expecting it from me at an early age.

So what’s my point?

An important duty of parents is to teach children how to live in a world that will not give them everything they want and especially when they don’t deserve it. Expect your kids do more around the home and teach them how to contribute to the needs of others.  You may be hurting their confidence by doing too much for them and expecting too little out of them. Nothing produces more anxiety than inability to face challenges and manage life. It’s the chief reason kids drop out of college today.

What can you do?

1. Don’t respond to whining or to their stated needs. Expect them to respectfully ask when they need something.   “I want a snack” should be “may I please have a snack.”  “I am cold” needs to be “may I please have a blanket.”  Expect them to wait their turn and actually just wait sometimes for their needs to be met.  It’s tempting to give in to their interruptions and drop what you are doing because it does stop the whining- temporarily.  But doing so actually encourages more of the same.
2. Expect more from your kids with regard to household responsibilities.  Even little kids can get their own water, set the table, put away their toys, fold clothes, etc.   If you employ a housekeeper, do so for yourself and not for your kids.
3. Expect more from them with regard to taking care of their own needs. If they are capable of doing something- don’t do it for them. If they are not, teach them how.  While it’s easier to do it for them, in the long run, it may be very costly. Set up your household so that your children can learn to take care of their own needs.   They will gain a healthy pride in learning how to and being treated as if they can. Have a basket of allowable snacks available that they can take something from when permissible.  Put their glasses and dishes in a location they can reach.  When thirsty teach them how to get their own water.
4. Rather than making it a  priority to serves them, prioritize teaching them to serve others. You duty as a parent is to NOT meet their every need in life; rather it is to grow responsible adults who willingly love and serve others.  A true sense of worth grows from serving others.  It’s what we were created to do.
5. Don’t give them the idea that buying stuff will appease their emotions.  If you find yourself wanting to reward them with material things, they are less likely to learn how to motivate themselves intrinsically and they won’t value things because they wind up with so much so easily.
6. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t “like you” at the moment.  Learning how to handle NO is far better than dealing with the effects of not knowing how to down the road.

“Our offspring have simply leveraged our braggadocio, good intentions, and over-investment.  They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”

Sally Koslow in Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations from the Not-So-Empty Nest”

Are you more concerned about how your children feel over how they act? Do you find yourself making a huge deal out of their minor accomplishments in hopes of motivating them?   Do you steer away from having them do anything that makes them uncomfortable?  Do you refrain for being honest with them about their performance because you fear deflating them? If yes to any of these, you may be prone to over praising your kids without even recognizing it.

We may be losing more than we gain with excessive praise including telling our kids continually how good they are.

“You are such a good little boy.” “You are mommy’s special little princess.”

Kids who come to think they are really, really good-  or exceptionally special -  may become blind to their own issues and to their deep need of Jesus.  Every parent wants their kids to behave in good and kind ways, but kids will never gain consistent victory over their own sinful nature when they think they can be good enough on their own merits. Either will we.

And what about ascribing words to our kids that are way to BIG for them?

Awesome. The best.  Perfect.  Wonderful. Are they really? If they are so wonderful now why do they need to grow? And what a weight some bear to maintain this lofty image for their parents.

To be “awesome” means to be awe-inspiring, breathtaking, astounding, remarkable.  We serve an awesome God to be sure.

“Awesome” is regularly used to praise kids for ordinary every day actions as well. (I hear it used all the time and am very guilty as well.) Yet, when we ascribe the same adjectives to people as we do to God are we not promoting the notion that we can somehow be God? Parents cannot be God for their children but we certainly try to; we assume that we can keep them safe from all harm, that we can control their outcomes, that we can somehow change their hearts, and that our worry can actually change the course of events.

When we pretend to be God and forget that we are human, we fail to be a vessel He can fill, too full of ourselves to make room for Him.

And by using words that really are too lofty for kid’s accomplishments, we hinder them from growing by giving the message that they are already very accomplished.  In addition, we may be making them afraid to really try in the event that their efforts will expose that they really aren’t so awesome after all.

I encourage you to replace words like “good, the best, awesome, wonderful” with words that encourage growth – specific statements about what you are after; not excessive praise made up of words that give no direction whatsoever, not to mention an unintended & inaccurate message.  How does a child know what doing her best really means?  And do we really want perfect to be our aim?  It is an impossible goal.

I am working on changing what I say to my grandchildren by trying to use words that are specific to what I want to see happen. You will see a major emphasis on effort because it is their key to growth.

Growth statements

I notice how you not only listened intently but you kept you eyes on me the entire time.

You really had to struggle to figure that out but in the end you did!

Nice thinking – you figured it out by yourself.

You are making lots of progress with the effort you are putting into reading.

I can tell that you concentrated as you read because you remember many details.

Your work shows that you listened to the instructions and followed them exactly.

You paid attention to the swim instructor and your strokes are getting better as a result.

It takes hard work to memorize scripture and your efforts paid off!

Your careful work caused you to get more right this time.

I notice that you are working hard at writing neatly.

You really kept at it until you got it.  That’s terrific.

It’s a hard project but you did it one step at a time and it turned out great.

I like how you chose the tough problems to solve.  You are really going to stretch yourself and learn new things.

You are focusing on your reading and comprehending more and more.

I like how you shared your toys with your sister.

How did you solve that problem?

What helped you improve your grade on this assignment?

Tell me how you figured that out?

What did you learn from this mistake?  What will you do differently next time?

Every kid wants to do well.

But if they are like Joey however, they can easily takes on a “minimalist” attitude toward effort when faced with new or challenging situations.  Joey does not fool his parents however.  While he does not set out to purposely fail, at times he winds up failing because he refuses to try.  Deep inside, Joey really wants to succeed but his fear of failure can still get the best of him.   At those times he puts on a nonchalant facade to cover up his fiercely competitive and emotional personality.

Joey prefers to think that he can somehow achieve effortless success.

Yesterday I took him and his sister Kate outside to teach them cartwheels.  Thinking he could do one without any previous practice, Joey wound up flat on his back and in tears.  He was done after one attempt and embarrassed that his younger sister’s repeated efforts were making her better at cartwheels than he was. Knowing the importance of Joey not giving up so easily, I found an online video demonstration of a kid performing a cartwheel.  He watched the 10 second demonstration over and over and over.  Doing so gave him enough instruction and confidence to try again. Afterwards, he excitedly went back out and this time he not only landed on his feet but actually was able to perform the steps of a cartwheel. And he was elated about his progress!

Kids like Joey can easily fall between the cracks and be given up on because they act like they don’t care.  They simply need a bit more coaching and support in the beginning to feel safe to try.   Once they get over their deep seated fear of failure, they become excited about learning and growing.

Helping Kids Get Over a Fear of Failure

1. Redefine failure and mistakes merely to those times when nothing is learned; that failure only happens when they fail to try.
2. Redefine success as improvement and growth.  True success is never effortless and it is ongoing!
3. Focus on getting better and improvement more than on outcomes.  Don’t over react to mistakes.
4. Focus on attitude more than performance;  that their effort is what pleases you most.
5. Share with your kids times when you failed and what you did to improve.
6. Don’t make excuses for your own mistakes and don’t allow them to make excuses.
7. Remind yourself that your kids really don’t want to disappoint you.  Be careful not to set too lofty of expectations by telling them they are “brilliant” or “talented” or “the best” as they may see their need to maintain this image as more important than trying and possible failing to meet your expectations.

Next week:  specific statements to use with kids that will promote growth and effort.

Beware lest you also fall from your own steadfastness, being led away with the error of the wicked;

but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 3:17-18

Haddie loves to learn.  As a 3 year old she is already quite adept at speaking in both Spanish and English.  She is enthusiastic about learning new skills – sometimes too much!  Last week, her mommy accidentally left a pair of adult scissors in Haddie’s room during naptime, so Haddie took advantage of the opportunity to practice her newly learned cutting skills using the adult scissors on her bean bag chair and curtains.  Her mommy entered the room to find Haddie, scissors in hand, sitting in the midst white styrofoam stuffing which covered her entire floor.  Haddie worked hard to achieve this.

And I pray that she never loses her desire to work hard.

Because her growth in all things will come by way of her own effort.

And that is true for everyone, not merely for the not-so-naturally gifted but also for the naturally talented who, without a genuinely good work ethic, may wind up coming in second to the tortoise who starts out slower but is victorious in the end.

However, in the  “I-want- Sally-to-be-happy” parenting mindset, expectations tend to be gradually lowered in order to allow for temporary happiness, while little attention is given to the principles in “pain-now-gain-later.”

We give in. We lower the bar.

We give in some more. The bar continues to be lowered.  Consider the fact that today’s students are far more likely to get an A average but for far less work as compared to students in the 1970’s. 

The problem lies with the fact that as a culture, we don’t want our kids to struggle.

We want them to “be happy.”  Instead of a focus on getting better we allow our kids to focus a great deal on entertaining themselves.

And we  don’t want them to be disappointed.

Instead of expecting them to wait and work to acquire “stuff”, we give them what they want when they want it.  Today’s kids “need” a great deal more than kids even a few decades back.  From cell phones to iPods to the newest and the best in everything, kids today have a great deal of stuff with very little of their own sweat equity in acquiring it.

In addition, we don’t want them to feel badly about how they perform.

We want them to feel good about themselves even when feeling the pain of failure or mistakes would be the very motivation to grow and get better. So we lavish praise and recognition on them whether it’s actually merited or not.

We strive to alleviate pain.  They fail to gain.

We lower the bar. As a result, they fail to grow.

And when they fail to grow, they plateau.

And that’s a problem.

“Most of us plateau when we lose the tension between where we are and where we aught to be.” (John Gardiner)

We were created to grow and to keep growing for a lifetime. When our kids quit growing, (just like us) they fail to see the “finish line” and focus instead ton he hurdles that stand in their way. Rather than figure out how to overcome the hurdles, they try to figure out who to blame them for.

So keep your kids growing.

Growth promotes growth promotes growth. The distractions of this present age serve to get in the way of growth by fostering instead the desire to be entertained and instantly gratified. And then kids fail to experience the joy found in true growth and in a deepening understanding about who God is and who He created them to become.

So grow.  Don’t stop.

And don’t let your kids stop either.

TIPS

Make your kids do chores. Teach them that managing a household requires the contributions of everyone.

Expect them to do for themselves what they can do and keep raising the bar of what they can do.

Make them put “sweat equity” into getting “stuff’ rather than just giving it to them.

Expect them to make good use of their time both at work and at play – to be single focused and attentive to what they ought to be doing.  Study time should therefore be free of cell phone and internet distractions.

Don’t try to negate the pain they feel from failure or mistakes.  Focus instead of guiding them to understand what they can do better in the future to get better results.

The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.

Proverbs 13:4

I am teaching Kate and Joey how to play the piano.  Actually, make that just Kate! She listens and practices what I teach her although it is difficult for her tiny fingers to maintain the proper position.  Joey on the other hand wants to be an expert even before he has figured out how little he really knows.  Learning the play the piano takes diligent practice and he prefers to pound away with one finger, pretending that he knows how to play.

Joey wants to believe that natural talent will make him successful without the hard work. Like many other kids today, he wants to look smart and talented rather than develop the skills that lead to actually being so.  He is learning to push through however and gaining new skills.  His parents are “wise” to his way of thinking and are training him to take on a growth mindset instead.

With a new school year starting, my encouragement to parents is to expect a growth mindset from your kids with regard to their school work and extracurricular activities.  If you don’t know what that is, read Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, Ph.D; a fascinating study on what motivates kids to learn. In her book, which is based on decades of research, “Dweck explains why it’s not just our abilities and talent that bring us success—but whether we approach our goals with a fixed or growth mindset.”

Grade school students who developed a fixed mindset with regard to studies showed marked decline with their grades in their adolescent years.  On the other hand, when they learn that their brain is really a muscle which gets stronger with diligent practice – and then take on a growth mindset -  their academic  performance improves significantly.

A student with a fixed mindset:

• Is interested only when success comes easily.
• Assigns blame and make excuses when it doesn’t.
• Believes that effort is for those who can’t make it on talent.
• FEARS trying and still failing.
• Takes on a “low effort syndrome” as the way they protect themselves

A student with a growth mindset:

• Makes learning is a priority.
• Meets failure with energy to try harder.
• Believes that abilities are learned and tasks give you the chance to do that.
• Is mentally tough.
• Takes charge of the processes that bring success and maintains them.

The best news is that they can change their mindset!  So can we!

TIPS for this week

Brain is a muscle that needs exercise.  Brain exercises include memory work, concentration, focus, reading, listening intently, solving problems, writing.

Don’t give up just because your child won’t try.  Don’t devalue an activity just because the skills are not present yet.

Don’t lower the bar.  We were created to grow.  Growth is motivating.  Not growing makes one complacent.

More on mindsets next week!

Come to Me.  All you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

Matthew 11: 28-30

Part V of Series:  From Innocence to Purity

The Bible instructs us to give generously and without a grudging heart our money, time and possessions.  Yet we can be very stingy and tightly hold to our fears, striving, pride, stubbornness, anger, strongholds, self-pity, self- condemnation.

Why is it that the very things which cause our hearts to be heavy laden are what we often cling to the tightest?  Yet when we choose to surrender all our burdens, God graciously instructs us out of the abundance of His heart,  steadying our feet, purifying our hearts, and refreshing our souls.

It’s quite an exchange:

He takes my  striving in the flesh and gives me rest.

He takes my agitated heart & mind and gives me peace.

He infuses my weaknesses with His strength.

He takes my resentment & anger and replaces it with love & forgiveness.

He turns my self-pity into compassion for others.

My human reasoning in exchange for His divine inspiration.

My folly for His wisdom.

Why do I hold on so tightly to the very things I must let go of?

At the root is pride, assuming that my mind can somehow produce heavenly wisdom; that outcomes are mine to control; that by striving hard enough I can purify my heart. Yet, Godly wisdom never flows from pride; human reasoning never leads to the springs of living water;  holding on to burdens keeps my heart heavy and discouraged.

Worry is a habit.  A false sense of control.  Everyday brings with it something we can worry about.  Oh, how we can worry and grow anxious over our children!  However, fretfulness in a parent’s heart fosters fretfulness in the child’s heart, resulting in attitudes and actions that flow out of human inclinations rather than out of spiritual insights.  Then divisiveness begins to characterize, in increasing measure, the very relationships we hold most dear to us.

What causes a lighthearted child to grow a heavy heart as they age?

It’s no different for them as it is for us.  They are driven by their own sentiments and thoughts. They are prideful.  They long for attention and admiration.  They worry about being “good enough” and they fear failing. They hold on to hurt and anger.  They wallow in self-pity. They are sinners, just like us and we all need Jesus.  When our own hearts are free of unnecessary burdens, we encourage them to open up the hidden places in their hearts and lift their rubbish up to Jesus as well.

Daily Surrender.  That’s what God requires.

More than our money, our time, or our possessions.  He wants what we possess within-  that which grips our hearts and causes terror in the night to rise up within.   He wants our hearts emptied out and room made for Him. That’s a purified heart.

Francis J. Roberts expressed it beautifully with these words: “If you come to Me with any kind of cloak over your soul, to this extent only you hinder Me from fully opening My heart to you. I am neither disturbed by imperfections nor impressed with piety.  People look upon the outward, but I am only concerned with the heart; for I know that whenever I can occupy the heart, all will be working toward perfection in the outer person.” (Come Away My Beloved)

But Jesus said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!”

Luke 11:28

“How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few, His precepts!”

Benjamin Franklin

(Part IV of Series- From Innocence to Purity)

Since the garden, man has struggled with whom he will obey. Will it be God that rules and reigns in our lives, or will we choose to disobey Him, and instead be our own master?

Obedience to God’s commands is of utmost importance, and more precious than our sacrifices.

In fact obedience is so important to God that He has chosen to make His truths evident to us when we sincerely seek Him. But instead we tend to “suppress the truth” and elevate our own selfish desires (Romans 1), rationalizing and excusing our own behaviors, and reacting to life by the sentiments that flow out of  defiant hearts rather than hearts purified by Christ.

It’s rather simple to quote the words of Christ but far more difficult to live them out-  in our office, in our home, with our children, in our private life.

But if we want our kids to have pure hearts than we must be serious about their obedience – and our own.

Frances. J. Roberts  in Come Away My Beloved defined holiness as the “end product of obedience” and purity a result of “repentance and serious pursuit of God.” In other words, purity is not merely something that happens – rather it is obtained through daily obedience that flows out of the heart, regardless of what happens along the way.

Our kids must first see us embrace this ideal and then choose to embrace it themselves:  that we get to the point where we willingly choose well in every circumstance – even if it costs us. Obedience ought not be conditional.  In fact difficulty and disappointment will serve to test- and grow one’s commitment to obedience.

Don’t allow excuses for disobedience in your own life or in the life of your children.

Here’s a true story….

Six year old Sally had come with sisters to run the annual Little Foot Run, a fall event that her small community sponsored in which elementary age children would compete by grade levels for ribbons in a mile cross country run.  It was a big deal to the local children. My kids looked forward to it each year. After the race, the winning competitors would strut around with their ribbons proudly displayed on their shirts. Sally wanted a ribbon but was not too excited about running the race.  She knew that only the top ten competitors in every grade would get a ribbon. Sally decided not to run but devised a plan as she watched from the sidelines, cheering her friends on.  When they came around the last bend in the run, she quietly slipped away from the group she stood with.  Just as the young runners crossed the finish line and were funneled through to receive their ribbons, Sally crawled under the tape, slipped strategically into line and proudly accepted the 6^th place ribbon.

I was stunned and stood by watching to see what my friend would do!  Sally knew that what she did was wrong.  So did her mom. But Sally wanted the ribbon more than she wanted to do what was right.  Her mom wanted to avoid a scene more than hold Sally accountable.  So a teachable moment slipped by. Sally not only kept the ribbon but bragged about getting 6^th place to her friends, one of them being my daughter who, as a fierce competitor, struggled for quite sometime to forgive Sally.

This incident may seem insignificant, but small lessons and experiences add up to the formation of habits and character and step-by-step determine the path our kids will follow.

Is it ever right to do the wrong thing?

We must grow sensitive and obedient to the still small voice within that speaks to our hearts about what is right and wrong. In the major decisions of life, we probably hear more clearly. It’s in the daily stuff of life- what we do with our time, how we react to others, what we listen and attend to, what we worry and fret over – where we have need to become consistently attentive to the Holy Spirit.  By actively listening and obeying, we will become more attune.   The opposite however will cause our ears to grow deaf and our hearts to grow cold.

Our primary act of obedience is to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and to pray without ceasing as we go about the day- to maintain a heart set on Him and hearing His voice.  What would this type of obedience bring about for our families?

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33.

“Pray without ceasing.” I Thessalonians 5:17